Burridge 2-1 Wellow

Saturday 24th April
The Shed, Burridge

Half-time came as a relief to Burridge. They'd spent most of the first half making Wellow look dangerous. They sat on the grass and awaited instruction from their manager Pete Lyons. Bryn Schwodler swigged from a water bottle. He'd been picked to play alongside Mark Reeves in the centre of midfield. “You might as well pull me off now,” he could be heard muttering. The second half didn't get much better. Wellow scored. Had it not been for Burridge goalkeeper Ryan Jones they would have done so much earlier.

(Pics by Roz Hutton) click on pics to enlarge, top: Ben Hutton and Kristian Hewitt line up a free kick. Bottom: Ben Hutton scores from the free kick.

Things didn't go as well for Wellow's goalkeeper. Law 12 of the game states that the opposition will be awarded an indirect free kick if a goalkeeper, inside his own penalty area, touches the ball again with his hands after he has released it from his possession and before it has touched another player.

Although technically, that law was broken, the ball had been out of the goalkeeper's grasp for no more than a second, having slightly fumbled it in mid air. Much of the referee's decision to award the free kick seemed to stem from Rich Allan's strong appeal for it. When Rich shouted he can't do that ref, the sound of the whistle quickly followed. Kristian Hewitt and Ben Hutton lined up the free kick. They spoke to each other in gestures while Wellow continued to moan at the referee. Hewitt moved the ball a few blades of grass to his right to Ben Hutton, who hammered it into the net.

The referee, perhaps knowing he'd made a mistake in giving Burridge a free kick, seemed keen to make another, in order to even things out between the two sides. Paul Dyke managed to prevent Sam Hewitt from chinning the referee by dragging him away by the scruff of the neck. Hewitt, along with everybody else wearing Burridge colours, hotly contested the referee's decision to penalise his tackle in the penalty area.

Wellow's number seven quickly appointed himself penalty taker. His white sleeves were pulled up above his elbows to reveal many hours spent in tattoo parlours. He placed the ball gently on the penalty spot. He'd not been as careful with his language during the course of the afternoon, having had much to say about Burridge, and none of it good. Now Burridge's Paul Dyke wanted the last word. Dyke said that the ball wasn't on the spot. He walked towards the ball and checked for himself. He did a thorough job. Wellow number seven's penalty kick wasn't worth the wait. It went straight. Ryan Jones slim legs stopped Wellow taking a 2-1 lead.

With his team's momentum lost, a Wellow midfielder decided that this was the right time to try a different tact. With the halfway-line being his chosen destination he tried to chop Ben Hutton, a sixteen stone man, in two. He had a good go, wrapping his studs somewhere around Hutton's knee. The referee pulled out his red card and sent him off. The Wellow midfielder ripped off his shirt and walked off the field in a tantrum. He began moaning about the referee to his manager. Hutton didn't retaliate. He said hitting a man with highlights in his hair is no better than hitting a girl.

Wellow were vulnerable. They'd cast themselves as the bad guys. Sam Schwodler burst through the middle late on in the game. He couldn't reach the ball, but managed to leave the goalkeeper in a heap on the floor. The ball fell kindly to Rich Allan. The Wellow defenders on the goal line didn't seem to distract him from scoring the winner.

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London Airways 2-2 Burridge

Date: Saturday 10th April
Venue: College playing fields, Hamble

London Airways' number fifteen lay still in a heap on the grass with both hands clasped over the back of his head. Burridge defender Ben Hutton stood over him, his arms outstretched as he protested his innocence. “That's a disgusting challenge, referee,” shouted London Airways' captain. “He's gone right through him.” Several other London Airways players formed a yellow circle around the referee. They waved their arms in the air, complaining about what they considered to be a foul. They did not get a free kick. They did not get a third goal either.

Click on pics to enlarge: (top) Seconds before Airways' goalkeeper fumbles Newman's free kick to Hutton. (Below) Airways' number fifteen prepares to get back to his feet, as Hutton looks on.

There was twenty minutes left and no further goals since Hutton had equalised during the first half. A substitute jogged on carrying a bucket of water. From it he ran a cold wet sponge up and down the back of number fifteen's head.

Burridge midfielder Justin Newman tried to diffuse the situation. “That's what happens when sixteen stone attacks the ball in the air,” he said, with a thin smile on his lips. “He's no different in training.”

“He trains?” Enquired Airways' captain, raising his eyebrows. He put particular emphasis on the word he. Then he walked away from the referee, shaking his head and muttering under his breath. For the remainder of the match Airways' number fifteen abandoned his position up front and disappeared into midfield.

London Airways were eight points clear at the top of the league. Eighteen separated them from Burridge. When the two sides met in March there were six goals . None of them were scored by Burridge.

The sun had coaxed more people than usual to watch the game. They were dressed in short sleeves. Their eyes hidden behind sunglasses. In the distance, masts of sailing boats sprouted above a line of trees that obstructed a view of the nearby marina in Hamble village. Burridge took the lead when Paul Andrews touched the ball on and Marc Judd ran toward it. He took a defender with him, but allowed the ball to roll past him into the path of Sam Schwodler, who collected Judd's dummy and side footed into the net.

London Airways drew level almost immediately, counter attacking from a defensive position on the edge of their own penalty area. Burridge cleared as far as London Airways' captain, who was thirty yards from goal. One swing of his boot hit the ball low past Burridge goalkeeper Ryan Jones before he'd had a chance to move.

Airways passed the ball quickly. Burridge tried to get it off them. More often than not they swung their boots into Airways' flesh instead of leather. This gave Airways a steady flow of free kicks, one of which they took the lead from.

Burridge responded with a free kick of their own. Hutton left his defensive position to join Newman and Judd in a huddle around the dead ball. “Leave it, Huts,” shouted Burridge manager Pete Lyons through his cupped hands. He waved Hutton into Airways' penalty box. Justin Newman struck the free kick. It travelled towards the goalkeeper's chest. He was unable to keep it there. The ball squirmed out of his grip toward Hutton who bundled the ball past him and over the goal line.

Burridge play Sholing Sports at home on Monday 12th April.

Burridge played in a 3-4-3 formation:

GK:Ryan Jones
DF:Kristian Hewitt (c)
DF:Ben Hutton
DF:Kev Willsher
RM:Sam Hewitt (yellow card)
CM:Mark Sanderson
CM:Justin Newman
LM:Bryn Schwodler
CF:Paul Andrews
CF:Marc Judd
CF:Sam Schwodler

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Burridge 4-3 Sway (After extra time

Date: Saturday 5th September
Competition: Hampshire Intermediate Cup first round

Sway had taken the wrong junction off the M27. I know because the man next to me in the ever so close other urinal in the Burridge toilets told me. 'Had the directions all put into me Tom-tom,' he said, before continuing with the second and presumably more telling part of his anecdote that I was unable to give my attention to, being somewhat pre-occupied with the splash back of his rapid slashing that sprayed gently onto my hands. There is not, as far as I'm aware, a law that forbids a man from dying their hair blond after a certain age, but if the House of Lords were to pass one tomorrow, this was a man faced with a vigilante future. If of course he wasn't prepared to get his hair cut.

(All pics by Roz H) Chinese Monkey Allan hovers above the ground. Click on all pics to enlarge.

Today Burridge play in the first round of the Hampshire Intermediate Cup against Sway from the New Forest. There is a school of thought amongst some players that says you cannot tell the quality of the opposition by simply looking them up and down before the game. While that's mostly true, it doesn't stop some from carrying out pre-game analysis of the opposition, in the vain hope of gaining some valuable insight into their footballing ability.

This is never more so when teams from different leagues, who have never played each other before, come head to head. No detail is too slight to be bought back to football, from the sports bag the opposition carry out the car, to the manner in which it's carried, to the gait of walk. As a very basic example: anyone walking with legs splayed like they've a big set of knackers clinging-clanging together like a set of cannon balls is obviously the man for the big occasion. Such analysis is generally, a complete waste of time, but that's not to say it's the premise of the weak minded. Former Burridge centre forward Barry Smith was a long term advocate of such behaviour and he wasn't some nut. I've lost touch with him since he left to join the army because he was bored of working in customer services.

Sam Hewitt enjoys a private moment in public.

Ben Rowe and Justin Newman, January and February 2010 calendar shots respectively.

The referee waited at the main door of the changing rooms to inspect the sole of everybody's boots, not to check if anyone's taped a wrap of speed to the sole of their boot, but in case anybody's studs are unsuitably sharp. Having been through this process countless times I'm still waiting for a referee to say something like, 'Play in those, son? Not on my watch you're not.' They just have a quick look and nod. Both teams were queued up next to each other in the changing room corridor like they do on the telly. I may have spoilt the reflective mood by humming a high pitch blast of the Champions League theme. The first half's a bit like an Hollywood blockbuster starring Nicholas Cage, quite a lot of action but nothing really resembling a cohesive plot. The rest of the game follows on like sequels to it.

Proof that red socks and jeans can work if you want it to.

1-0 Rich 'Chinese Monkey' Allan waits patiently to head in after Greg Baker's shot had launched into the sky off the crossbar. I find myself ignoring the celebrations in favour of pointing my index finger repeatedly to my temple and insisting everybody concentrates. I don't know why.

1-1 Sway tap in a left wing cross. We all stare at the grass and look moody.

2-1 Sway's goalkeeper handles a back pass from his defender, which as we all know is against the rules, then throws a hissy fit when the referee awards Burridge an indirect free kick. Kristian Hewitt touches it to Ben Hutton and whizz bang it's in the back of the net.

2-2 Sway again cut in from left for 2-2. More moody looks at the grass.

2-3 Sway score on the counter attack after quickly clearing a Burridge free kick. Their tails are up. Burridge look spent.

3-3 Justin Newman crosses to Kristian Hewitt to take the game into thirty minutes of extra time.

4-3 What's this? Ben Hutton up for a corner? Check. Paul Dyke incognito on back post in red hair scores the winner? Check. Their goalkeeper throws another hissy fit and lashes out at the nearest thing which just so happens to be a bin. He sends it flying with a good boot. The referee sends him off, so some poor git has to replace him and put on his sweaty gear.

Keep looking above and you'll see Paul Dyke (furthest left in red hair) escape tight marking and score from Ben Hutton's knock down.

(Above) Sway's goalkeeper shows total disregard for tanning solariums whilst on hunger strike.

Pete Lyons in instant pain after picking up jellyfish

Burridge go into the hat for the second round all keeping their fingers crossed for an away day on the Isle of Wight.