Hythe Aztecs 1-2 Burridge

Monday 19th April
Clayfields Sports Centre

Burridge and Hythe are five miles apart. They are also separated by an almost two mile wide stretch of Southampton water. Getting to Clayfields Sports Centre in Hythe from Burridge, means driving north-west on the M27 until you reach Totton, then heading south-east on the A326. It's a twenty-five mile journey. Players were forced to sneak out of work in order to arrive in plenty of time for the 6pm kick-off. It didn't bode well when Burridge walked out onto the pitch for a kick-about with no sign of the opposition. It was with some relief when a man appeared to put up the corner flags. The rim of his baseball cap covered his face. The only thing visible beneath it was a bristly grey moustache. Burridge used the time waiting for Hythe Aztecs to arrive to have a spot of shooting practise. Their shots regularly cleared the twenty-foot steel fence summit behind Ryan Jones' goal. The introduction of a second ball disrupted a group of teenage girls' netball practise.


Burridge defender Paul Dyke ignored his swollen ankles, insisting he had forty minutes of play in him. Once the game was underway his booming voice quickly became the game's main feature. Backing vocals came courtesy of Burridge captain Kristian Hewitt. Justin Newman received no prior warning from his team-mates of the opposition sneaking up from behind to dispossess him of the ball. Hewitt screwed up his face and let rip. It was the sound usually reserved for Led Zeppelin's Robert Plant when he treads on an upturned plug.

Burridge took the lead when Justin Newman found Marc Judd, who dropped a left footed cross to the far post that Bryn Schwodler headed in. Hythe's manager stood on the sideline with his arms folded. A second Hythe substitute arrived from the changing room and asked his manager what happened. "Free header," he replied, shaking his head.

It's five years since Ben Hutton played as a striker for Burridge's now defunct rivals Burridge Sports. Since then he has gained a position in the heart of Burridge's defence, and four extra stone in weight. This comes in handy when clattering the opposition. Every time Hutton makes a challenge it's quickly followed by a Hythe player shouting fucking hell ref. Hythe drew level shortly before half-time. Kristian Hewitt tried to shepherd the ball back to Burridge goalkeeper Ryan Jones, whose fractional hesitation allowed Hythe to score past him. Jones got a quick blast of Led Zeppelin for his troubles.

Many of Hythe's better players wore bandages strapped around their legs. They looked knackered. Burridge, on the other hand, were full of beans. Paul Dyke could be seen regularly galloping down the left wing, leaving his defensive position far behind him, along with any understanding of the offside rule. Burridge's wining goal came inevitably from Bryn Schwodler. At one stage it took four hacks from Hythe's midfield to stop him. Ben Rowe's defence splitting pass asked questions of a Hythe defender, who at full stretch headed the ball back to his goalkeeper. Bryn Schwodler intercepted the ball before the keeper could make a catch, or the ball had time to bounce, and rolled it into an empty net.



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Durley 1-4 Burridge

Saturday 13th February
Kytes Lane, Durley

This match was being watched by a man with a clipboard whose job was to assess the referee's performance, jotting down any notes when he deemed that the referee had misjudged a situation. As a result, his right hand had a somewhat busier afternoon than Burridge goalkeeper Ryan Jones.

The referee - think Ray Stubbs with a charisma bypass - seemed to have learnt everything he knew about people management by studying the content of a letter from the Inland Revenue. His decision to book Bryn Schwodler, who had been given a right seeing to from Durley's number five, was less plausible than the plot of Teen Wolf Too*.

Kristian Hewitt struggled to come to terms with it. It, being the referee's reasoning behind showing Bryn a yellow card, not the 1987 film that doesn't star Michael J Fox. With the referee unable to give Hewitt a satisfactory explanation he decided to show him a yellow card instead.

From this moment on Burridge and this referee were never going to get on. Nor were Burridge and Durley for that matter. Both teams displayed a free flowing style that was built mainly on swearing. Lesser teams would be content with trotting out vulgarities like shit as nouns, but in this contest they were used as verbs and sometimes even adjectives.

Kev Willsher and Marc Judd were the third and forth players to be shown yellow cards. This all before Rich Allan was sent off. Trying to recreate an earlier unseen incident, whereupon Durley had been successfully blurring the boundaries between the football and Paul Dyke's head, he was given a straight red card, for what one can only assume was for invading the referee's personal space. Unfortunately, air head-buts still don't translate very well in polite society.

By this stage Burridge were already winning the game 4-1. Two first half goals from Ben Rowe and one from Bryn Schwodler were added to by a goal early in the second half by Durley's number five.

It came from a back pass. It was difficult to gage what irritated the Durley number five more, scoring past his own goalkeeper from the kind of angle that'd have Pythagoras telling you to stick your hypotenuse up your arse, or Burridge centre back Paul Dyke's making sure everyone within a mile radius knew how much he enjoyed it. Either way he was very pissed off.

Durley did score a consolation goal, but their revival was not sufficient to stop Burridge getting their first win at Kytes Lane.

Burridge lined up in a 4-4-2 formation

GK:Ryan Jones
LB:Paul Dyke
CB:Kev Willsher
CB:Kristian Hewitt
RB:Sam Hewitt (Jay Schwodler)
LM:Marc Judd
CM:Mark Sanderson
CM:Justin Newman (Mark Reeves)
RM:Bryn Schwodler
CF:Rich Allan
CF:Ben Rowe (Paul Andrews)

*That was not a typo. Teen Wolf Too, is actually 'too' as opposed to two and it's really not worth your time.

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Burridge 4-0 Michelmersh Stiffs

Date: Saturday 24th October
Venue: Botley Road, Burridge
Competition: Southampton league senior division one

(All pics by Roz H) Above: Paul Andrews soaks then blinds goalkeeper.

Paul Andrews ran through on goal like a man falling down the stairs with a tray full of drinks. Michelmersh's goalkeeper appeared to make the sign of the cross, although he could have just been shielding himself from the beam of sunlight reflecting off the highly polished instep of Andrews' giant Adidas football boots. With that, Andrews swept away the last trail of Michelmersh's gossamer like confidence with a swing of his right boot. His reaction to seeing the ball in the net was one of shock, maybe even surprise. Then realising he'd made it four-nil, instinct kicked in and he skipped away with his arms in the air. The game was over.

Justin Newman had given Burridge the lead in first half, but that had done little to stop Michelmersh's manager – the man in the amber trim tracksuit top – from successfully illustrating the benefits of being temporarily deaf. Friday's pre-match profile post identified amber-trim-tracksuit-man as Michelmersh's biggest threat to fans of peace and quiet, and as such, Burridge's Paul Dyke was unable to offer any significant challenge to him in terms of noise. It's feasible that Dyke was too busy coming to terms with his left foot, that until today had been thought of very little use for football.

Above: Justin Newman (number nine) scores penalty, or that's what this picture's telling me.

It had surely escaped amber-trim-tracksuit-man's mind that what came out of his mouth was supposed to rouse his team, instead of having the motivational prowess of a promise of a night out with those two weird blokes from X-factor, but still he went on shouting. So during the second half when the timid referee found it within himself to put his whistle to his mouth and blow for a Burridge penalty, for a tackle on Sam Schwodler that was both unnecessary and some distance away from the ball, he looked like he was about to blow his top. “You don't fucking listen,” he started shouting at his team, who at this volume had very little choice in the matter unless they all did a double Van Gogh.

Amber-trim-tracksuit-man was still at it as Justin Newman put the ball on the penalty spot. Seeing as he and his colleagues had packed up defending about twenty minutes earlier, a Michelmersh defender decided to try out a spot of reverse psychology on Justin Newman, telling him not to miss. “I won't,” he replied. He never has. Until now. “You missed,” said the defender as the ball disappeared into undergrowth behind the goal, along with any chance of Justin taking another penalty for Burridge. Justin Newman was, however, largely responsible for Burridge's second goal about thirty seconds later. Bryn Schwodler was the benefactor of his frantic scurrying not usually in keeping with a man of 37. Bryn Schwodler scored a third soon after, before Paul Andrews finished it off.

Above: Jay Schwodler and his opponent struggle to take off in strong head winds.

Click here to see this week's Times Online player profile of Greg Baker. Next week - Paul Dyke.

Burridge lined up in a 4-4-2 formation:

GK: Ryan Jones
RB: Sammy Hewitt
CB: Kev Willsher
CB: Ben Hutton
LB: Paul Dyke
RM: Jay Schwodler (Rich Allan)
LM: Mark Emerson Sanderson
CM: Kristian Hewitt
CM: Justin Newman (Mark Reeves)
CF: Sam Schwodler (Paul Andrews)
CF: Bryn Schwodler

Burridge scorers:

1-0 Justin Newman
2-0 Bryn Schwodler
3-0 Bryn Schwodler
4-0 Paul Andrews

Other results:

Durley Stiffs 1-1 Warsash Wasps
Netley Central Sports 1-1 AFC Hiltingbury
Wellow 0-1 Hythe Aztecs

Next game: Home to Hythe & Dibden


International Burridge news:

Day one of Greg Baker and Lee Fielder's 'totally not weird two man' Carribean cruise, and Lee Fielder is in bed with sea sickness. Greg is mopping his brow with a damp flannel. 14 more days to go.

Burridge AFC 3-2 Hythe Aztecs

Date: Saturday 19th September
Venue: Botley Road, Burridge
Previous result: 0-0
When what happened: Mike Reid missed an open goal.

Click pic to enlarge: Justin Newman's concentration isn't broken by a referee growing out of the Hythe player's back

If you're the type of person who doesn't enjoy violence and confrontation, don't worry. You can always try the next best thing, and that's shouting. Loud communication isn't simply welcomed on the football pitch, it's recognised universally as a kind of skill. If in possession of the ball without anyone in your pursuit, you can benefit from your colleagues telling you that there's no great rush by shouting, 'TIME.' If indeed whilst casually jogging down the wing one of the opposition is bearing down on you like a chariot, it is helpful for you team mates to warn you by shouting, 'MAN ON.' And so it goes.

Within some players lies a mortal fear of the silence that occasionally falls onto a football pitch when say, the ball is being negotiated from from a nasty patch of stinging nettles. So all encompassing is this fear that those who suffer from it refuse to allow the fact that they have nothing of significance to say from broadcasting it loudly to the world. Nuggets of wisdom like, 'C'mon lads, it's quiet' are shared freely. This level of insight is usually reserved for those who point at the sky and shout, 'AEROPLANE.' Although taken to it's logical conclusion, if everybody shouted their troubling observations, you'd end up with, “THIS PLAYING SURFACE DOESN'T SUIT OUR PASSING GAME,' or 'MY WELL PAID JOB AND SEMI DETACHED HOUSE CANNOT DISGUISE THE FACT THAT MY MARRIAGE IS A SHAM.'

Hythe Aztecs' yellow shirts and blue shorts is a replica of what Brazil have made so synonymous with winning in style. It seems no coincidence that comparisons between the two sides are absent. Hythe are no mugs though, having drawn 4-4 with the Echo's tip for the league, Warsash Wasps, the previous week. If I didn't know better I'd think that Burridge captain Kristian Hewitt was having trouble at home. His high pitched whine can be heard every time Burridge make a mistake. If he continues on like this all season I'm worried he'll get a stomach ulcer. His mood isn't helped when Hythe take the lead. Finding themselves clean through on goal they can do nothing but score. Today's referee, who looks vaguely like Lyle Lovett, awards Burridge a penalty when Bryn Schwodler is pushed from behind. One of Hythe's entourage, who's bravely leading the comeback for stonewashed jeans, misinterprets this decision as an open invitation to call the referee a cheating wanker. The referee gives him a stiff talking to, maintaining the kind of volume that's suitable when communicating between floors despite being stood two inches from his nose. With Greg Baker (who's scored 17 out of 17 penalties) in New York, Justin Newman makes a farce of the idea that taking penalties is difficult and belts in the equaliser. Hythe then take a fairly terrible corner kick that's met by a tame header that's still good enough to put them 2-1 up.

Pete Lyons gees up Burridge, who in the heat have chosen to spend the half time interval laid flat on the grass. After twenty minutes of the second half it's unclear just how Burridge are going to come back into the game, but there's something truly exhilarating when a football shudders against the crossbar. When Ben Rowe causes the ball to chime against the metal frame it stirs Burridge into life. Bryn Schwodler had been gliding across the field like Rudolph Nureyev in black leather Puma slippers all afternoon and he scores two late goals that rely heavily on his newly discovered confidence. Burridge had worked hard to win, but the toughest job was still in hand. As Burridge peeled their sodden kit from their tired bodies, one had to sympathise with Sam Hewitt's washing machine, whose job of successfully masticating soiled towers of nylon goes unnoticed every week.

Click pic to enlarge: Newly introduced substitute Jay Schwodler takes defensive position as Burridge's furthest forward player whilst indicating how far wide his earlier shot at goal went, but is still unable to nick this goal off his brother.