Durley 1-4 Burridge

Saturday 13th February
Kytes Lane, Durley

This match was being watched by a man with a clipboard whose job was to assess the referee's performance, jotting down any notes when he deemed that the referee had misjudged a situation. As a result, his right hand had a somewhat busier afternoon than Burridge goalkeeper Ryan Jones.

The referee - think Ray Stubbs with a charisma bypass - seemed to have learnt everything he knew about people management by studying the content of a letter from the Inland Revenue. His decision to book Bryn Schwodler, who had been given a right seeing to from Durley's number five, was less plausible than the plot of Teen Wolf Too*.

Kristian Hewitt struggled to come to terms with it. It, being the referee's reasoning behind showing Bryn a yellow card, not the 1987 film that doesn't star Michael J Fox. With the referee unable to give Hewitt a satisfactory explanation he decided to show him a yellow card instead.

From this moment on Burridge and this referee were never going to get on. Nor were Burridge and Durley for that matter. Both teams displayed a free flowing style that was built mainly on swearing. Lesser teams would be content with trotting out vulgarities like shit as nouns, but in this contest they were used as verbs and sometimes even adjectives.

Kev Willsher and Marc Judd were the third and forth players to be shown yellow cards. This all before Rich Allan was sent off. Trying to recreate an earlier unseen incident, whereupon Durley had been successfully blurring the boundaries between the football and Paul Dyke's head, he was given a straight red card, for what one can only assume was for invading the referee's personal space. Unfortunately, air head-buts still don't translate very well in polite society.

By this stage Burridge were already winning the game 4-1. Two first half goals from Ben Rowe and one from Bryn Schwodler were added to by a goal early in the second half by Durley's number five.

It came from a back pass. It was difficult to gage what irritated the Durley number five more, scoring past his own goalkeeper from the kind of angle that'd have Pythagoras telling you to stick your hypotenuse up your arse, or Burridge centre back Paul Dyke's making sure everyone within a mile radius knew how much he enjoyed it. Either way he was very pissed off.

Durley did score a consolation goal, but their revival was not sufficient to stop Burridge getting their first win at Kytes Lane.

Burridge lined up in a 4-4-2 formation

GK:Ryan Jones
LB:Paul Dyke
CB:Kev Willsher
CB:Kristian Hewitt
RB:Sam Hewitt (Jay Schwodler)
LM:Marc Judd
CM:Mark Sanderson
CM:Justin Newman (Mark Reeves)
RM:Bryn Schwodler
CF:Rich Allan
CF:Ben Rowe (Paul Andrews)

*That was not a typo. Teen Wolf Too, is actually 'too' as opposed to two and it's really not worth your time.

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Saturday 5th April


Sight to behold

A persistent back injury kept Kev Willsher out of the game he loves dearly for almost eighteen months. But against Michelmersh he was once again an absolute colossus at the heart of Burridge's defence. Opposing centre forwards are going to have to rethink their strategy when playing against him. I'd suggest exposing him to kryptonite. The only sight more impressive on a fine Saturday afternoon was that of his sister on the sidelines. Truly magnificent.

(Pictured above) Kev Willsher, upstaged by sister.

Naughty Boy

It came as no surprise when Sam Schwodler was sent off during the second half for swearing at the referee. What was surprising was that this was his first ever red card. It was a bit like waking up next to Paris Hilton and finding out that last night was the first time she'd ever had it up the chuff. It's probably fair to say that Sam Schwodler doesn't spend his spare time tuning into the Antiques Roadshow and reciting Keats to his pregnant girlfriend. But just because he has a total disregard for the smoking ban in pubs by his sixth or seventh turbo-shandy, isn't reason to assume he's been sent off before. One should only base that assumption on the fact that the 26 year old has bellowed the really bad swear word, the one that girls aren't too keen on, in the face of nearly every referee in the county.

(Pictured above) Sam Schwodler gets red card from referee.

What a tart

The English Summer of 2009 was about an hour and 17 minutes old when Lee Fielder decided to take his shirt off. As soon as the sun comes out he develops this terrible aversion to clothes and starts walking near anything in a skirt whilst tensing his stomach muscles and showing off that sculpted physique of his. I make fun of him when he starts doing this because firstly, I think he's a ponce, and secondly because I'm jealous I can't do likewise without kids getting upset when I tell them I'm neither Austin Powers or working at the local circus.

(Pictured above) Sammy Hewitt makes it 4-0 to Burridge.



This week Burridge gaffer, Pete Lyons went with a 4-4-2 formation:

GK:Ben Stanfield
RB:Jay Schwodler (Ryan Jones)
CB:KevWillsher
CB:Marc Judd
LB:Me
LM:Bryn Schwodler
CM:Rich Allan (Mark Reeves)
CM:Justin Newman
RM:Kristian Hewitt (Greg Baker)
CF:Sam Hewitt
CF:Sam Schwodler – red card for dissent

Burridge Goals were scored by:

1-0 Bryn Schwodler - kept it low from the edge of the box.
2-0 Their goalkeeper diverted the ball into his own net.
3-0 Me - header, after Bryn headed across from the back post
4-0 Sammy Hewitt - Nonchalantly lobbed the ball over the goalkeeper's head.

Next week Burridge get on the 17 seater mini-bus for the journey to Liverpool for Richie Allan's stag do.

Kick off is 8:30am.