Sunday, 16 August 2009

Colden Common reserves 2-2 Burridge

Wednesday 12th August
Venue:Over the road from the Black Horse
Kick off 6:30pm

pre-season fixture

For some reason Colden Common doesn't want the world to know about its tigers. It seems content on the tourism generated from the geraniums at Sandyfields Nursey. They're far more interested in telling me that they're twinned with some place in Normandy, France, called St Vigor Le-Grand, rather than direct me straight to the animals at Marwell Zoo. When I arrive at Colden Common's recreation ground the other players are sat in the away changing room, waiting for Kristian Hewitt to turn up with the kit. Like most changing rooms, it's not big enough for thirteen people to get dressed in without getting a good idea what whoever next to you has had for dinner.

Kristian Hewitt arrives at six and drops the kitbag in the middle of the concrete floor. He finishes cutting the greens at East Horton Golf club at three in the afternoon, whereas I'd spent the afternoon driving around the M25 wearing a tie and wishing I'd had a gun. Nobody bothers to ask him why he hasn't got here earlier. They're all too busy rooting through the bag for kit. Rich Allan is once again unable to find a pair of shorts large enough to circumnavigate his waist. Kev Willsher spends the time waiting to fish out some kit by drowning his thighs in ralgex. By the time I get to a pick up a shirt there are just a few left. To my surprise, number ten is one of them.

Kick off's delayed when Sam Schwodler sees dog shit on the pitch. It's fresh and warm enough to suggest it's come fresh out of the microwave rather than a dog's bottom. This is a shame because Colden Common's pitch is well looked after. So much so that they asked us not to warm up in the goalmouth before the game. The mind boggled at just what damage they anticipated us doing by spending ten minutes taking pot shots at Ryan Jones. Perhaps they were worried we'd take a dump on it. As far as I'm aware that temptation was resisted.

Once the referee's aware of what's hidden in the grass, he calls out to Colden Common to deal with it. It's left to their manager to use a shovel to sling it out of harms way. Greg Baker walked towards me with a smirk on his face: 'They're going have a busy night if they're shovelling all the shit off this pitch tonight.' Later on he goes fairly ape at the referee for what he'd deemed an incorrect decision on the halfway line. He's been shouting at referees for years. His outburst today is like a middle-class John McEnroe unleashing his inner seven year old after being told he can't have any more Haribo.

Bryn Schwolder was so comfortable at left back he may've dropped off when Colden Common took quite some time taking a short corner kick that put them a goal up. Kev Willsher headed us level from a corner. What followed was open football played in good spirits by both teams. Colden Common may have thought they'd won the game when they scored on the back post from another corner with less than ten minutes to go.

Justin Newman had more reason than most to be relieved when Greg Baker latched onto a Paul Andrews through ball to make it 2-2 five minutes later. By the time we've showered and gone over the road to the Black Horse for a pint, men are shaking their heads at England's Rio Ferdinand on the giant TV screen for a fairly enormous fuck up against Holland, and everybody has seemed to have forgotten how Justin headed the ball over the crossbar from two yards.

Thew Burridge XI versus Colden Common Reserves

GK:Ryan Jones
RB:Sammy Hewitt
CB:Ben Hutton
CB:Kev Willsher
LB:Bryn Schwodler
RM:Sam Schwodler (sub:Mark Sanderson)
CM:Justin Newman
CM:Kristian Hewitt(c)
LM:Greg Baker
CF:Ben Rowe (Sub:Paul Andrews)
CF:Rich Allan

Click here to read Burridge's preview for the 2009/10 season on the Times.

Remaining pre-season games:

Thur 20th v Aero vets k/o 6:30pm at Aerostructures, Hamble
Sat 22nd v Bishopstoke k/o 2:30pm at Eastleigh Rugby Club
Mon 24th v Northend k/o 6:30pm at Concorde Club

First league game:

Sat 29th v Warsash Wasps k/o 2:30pm at Meadowside


Fields said...

I like the times piece Emerson!

Still waiting to try out my new boots.. don't know if they score goals yet or not, so may have to take them back before the season opener..

Eryl Shields said...

Where were you allowed to warm up? There's something poetic about a football pitch that is too well kept for football.

Scarlet-Blue said...

Why wasn't Field's playing?
There's a lot of football in this post.

Emerson Marks said...

Eryl - their pitch was well kept, but it was soiled. They let us run around a bit next to the pitch.

Scarlet - Lee hasn't been transfer listed. He was stuck in Norwich. As for too much football? Did I not throw in defecation, tigers and guns?

Lulu LaBonne said...

If you want to keep the girl's interest up Emers, you have to get a camera in those changing rooms and post it. Tigers and guns are nice, but couldn't you actually shoot someone and tell us about it - or let the tigers out next time you go to Colden Common?

Emerson Marks said...

Bloody Hell, I knew it. All my insight into the game of football and all birds want is an eyeful of sausage.

Wilts said...

Entertaining as always Sandford, loving the times piece too and thanks for the big up!

Donn Earthling said...

So did the locals microwave the dog poop? Did you even see any dogs? Are you certain that it was canine crap?

Cold and Common eh?
To visitors enjoying a pint at the Black Horse the obvious puns derived from the less than spectacular choice of a name for a town must get barely noticed by the locals. Do you have to put a fiver in the jar every time you make a cold and common joke?

I just returned from the US of A and let me tell you, they would never have a place named
Colden Common...
no Sir, over there it would be spelled Cold n' C'mon.

savannah said...

well, i am certainly learning a lot more about real football, sugar! i need to send supernana a link to y'alls site - she's the real football fan in our family! the rest of us are american football fanatics. xoxox

(but, even with all that, i agree with the rest of the girls: pictures!)

Emerson Marks said...

Donn, I never thought about calling Colden Common, Cold and Common. It's a bit like the word 'the.' For the most part you just don't pay it too much attention.

Savannah - who got the first draft pick in the NFL this year, and does everyone outside of New England hate Tom Brady?

Madame DeFarge said...

I was gripped by this thrilling description of the game. I almost think I understand football now. But pictures would be better.

juddy said...

i think we give them what they want lads

Emerson Marks said...

DeFarge - Burridge left-back Luke Sanderson has knackered his knee, so I hope to convince him to turn up to games with his camera.

Juddy - what? Moody black and white pictures with us without our kit on? Funnily enough the Full Monty was on the other night.

savannah said...


re brady, i don't, but then i follow the new orleans saints, baby!

(was this a test or something?)


Emerson Marks said...

No test. I just had an understanding that he was seen as arrogant to the max. New Orleans Saints? They play in that indoor dome don't they?

Anonymous said...

Colden Common? Colden Come off more like! Black Horse pub? Is it still running?

Never mind I might make it to Common one of these years yet. not been there for 20 years plus!

Bert Catt

Anonymous said...

Colden Common? Ask Ian Steele what's going on at the team, and why they can't progress from their division.

Looking back (bringing back the blog)

I haven't posted here since 2012 – that’s five years of not blogging. The blog is/was about Burridge AFC, the football team I played f...