Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Burridge Recovering From Shoeing

Saturday 25th October 2008
Burridge AFC 1-4 Comrades Reserves

Pictured above: Sam Schwodler, shoes not pictured.

Burridge’s 4-1 home defeat to Comrades reserves was completely overshadowed by the terrible news that Sam Schwodler’s trainer had been snatched away. It was taken from his left foot whilst watching the pop group Oasis perform at the Bournemouth International Centre on Tuesday evening.

Burridge players have closed ranks, refusing to add comment on the missing size ten Nike trainer, not as some have wrongly interpreted as a complete lack of interest in a trivial matter that has no bearing on their lives whatsoever, but in an act of solidarity towards their colleague.

For they know, but for the grace of God that it could just have easily been their trainer snatched from their left or right foot, had they decided to get as drunk as possible and surge towards the front of a packed crowd who were in a similar state.

Schwodler’s strength of character was evident by not only playing on Saturday afternoon, but scoring. Earlier refusing the offer of holding a minute’s silence before kick off to mark the disappearance of the trainer, saying that this would send out the wrong message to not just the perpetrators, but indeed the world.

As each day passes a reunion between Schwodler and his trainer become less & less likely. Whilst trying to remain upbeat it is known that a single trainer can find it extremely difficult to find a place in society on their own.

It’s unclear how long a trainer could survive in these circumstances. If indeed ever worn without a matching pair, the trainer is likely to be ostracised by a society who are still intolerant towards unmatched pairs of trainers.

A visibly upset Schwodler hadn’t registered that his trainer had been snatched until he was ejected from the premises of the Bournemouth International Centre on sometime around 10:30pm on Tuesday evening by security.

The trainer is white in appearance with a distinctive red tick adorning outside of the white leather. Anyone with information to the whereabouts of the size ten Nike trainer is urged to come forward and contact 077807 07406, identifying themselves by the password Noono-Boono.

Scorer - Sam Schwodler

Booked: Luke Sanderson, Rich Allan

Thursday, 23 October 2008

The Day We Got Spanked....

First they (The Sports Echo) tip us to come second, then they take our photo before getting done five - zip at Redbridge.

Monday, 20 October 2008

Warning: The 1979 Bryn Schwodler Liability Series Still Vulnerable To Alcohol Malfunction

Saturday 18th October 2008
BTC, Stoneham Lane
Comrades 3-2 Burridge AFC

Out the cup, again!

Pictured above: The 1979 Bryn Schwodler liability series, after yet another malfunction.

He couldn’t really remember Saturday night. There was some red wine drunk at home on top of a few bottles of lager before arriving at the Wine Bar in Southampton, but after that things pretty much faded out to black. This alcohol malfunction has been all too regularly reported over the last fifteen years when the 1979 Bryn Schwodler liability series drinks alcohol.

Burridge AFC captain Kristian Hewitt is one of the world’s leading experts on the behavioural patterns of the 1979 Bryn Schwodler liability series. He was adamant that the only way to stop the affectionate grabbing of male colleague’s genitals, in-between staggering blindly into strangers, was to stop him drinking jagerbombs at 9pm.

This was of course before even reaching Southampton’s premier night spot - Oceania. Memories of which that have been totally lost by the alcohol malfunction, that some believed to have been corrected since the appointment of Helen Oldham as the 1979 Bryn Schwodler liability series’ girlfriend. She was behind the blueprint of the 2007 design for the 1979 Bryn Schwodler liability series, that focussed on both a refined and polished sense of behaviour that shunned excess, combined with a more contemporary appearance.

Lobbyists are demanding tighter legislation be put in place to stop repeat incidents of Saturday night, where two-hundred and thirty seven people were inflicted by a clumsiness previously unbeknown to mankind. They argue that the malfunction can be triggered by as little as five units of alcohol and despite Oldham’s best efforts the 1979 Bryn Schwodler liability series is totally irreparable and no amount of autumn range Gap clothing is ever going to mask that. Not even a leather jacket offset with black baseball boots and dark blue boot-cut jeans.

Controlled tests had suggested that the 1979 series should be able to maintain the dignity expected of a twenty-nine year old father of one whilst out for a Saturday night drink. The ejection from the premises from Oceania, just after midnight, have all but ruined the validity of those tests, resulting in a minimum period of six months quarantine from night life, whilst his behaviour is further re-examined. A re-release into night life is not anticipated until late 2009.

Stanfield, J.Schwodler, M.Sanderson, L.Sanderson, K.Hewitt, Newman (Reeves) (Baker), Allan, Judd (S.Hewitt) , B.Schwodler, S.Schwodler, Fielder

Unused sub: Hutton.

H/T: 0-2

Scorers: B.Schwodler 1-2
S.Schwodler 2-3

Booked: B.Schwodler, S.Schwodler, L.Sanderson - foul play.

Monday, 13 October 2008

Mark Reeves' Reputation As a Goal Scoring Threat Freed From Captivity

Saturday 11th October 2008
Michelmarsh & Timsbury 1-6 Burridge AFC

On Saturday 29th October 2005 Mark Reeves came off the bench to make his Burridge debut. He joined the club along with Steve Froud as a midfielder, in a desperate bid to boost the team’s depleted squad. His workmanlike ethic in the centre of midfield wasn‘t doubted, but his abilities in the attacking third of the field were quickly held into question. Burridge held on in the drizzle to record a 2-1 win against Capital that afternoon, but during all the excitement nobody noticed that Mark Reeves’ reputation as a goal scoring threat had disappeared.

It was later confirmed that the then twenty-nine year old Mark Reeves’ perceived goal scoring threat had been kidnapped by popular opinion. This strong group was made up of Burridge players, management, supporters, as well as opposition goalkeepers, who all refused to change their fundamental belief that Mark Reeves posed no threat to the opponent‘s goal. Reeves’ reputation as a goal scoring threat remained in captivity for 1060 days, all the while largely ignored, until the emotional release on Saturday 11th October 2008 at Michelmarsh, near Romsey.

The conditions that Mark Reeves’ goal scoring reputation were subjected to during captivity were grim, often held in solitary confinement within a tight pigeon hole, with barley enough room for a solid tackle within thirty yards of goal. There were times during those three years that Reeves was left on the substitutes bench, knowing that if he was unable to break into the starting eleven, release from the popular opinion that he couldn’t score a goal would remain almost impossible. At times, Reeves’ reputation as a goal scoring threat was faced with humiliation. Team mates would snigger when he stepped up to shoot, once more endangering car windscreens, neighbouring gardens and corner flags.

Public opinion very nearly agreed to release Reeves’ reputation as a goal scoring threat earlier this year. Firstly at Green Park, Millbrook, versus Inmar on January 26th; then two weeks later against Hythe Aztecs at Claypits Lane, but each time the escape was blocked at the last minute by the goal frame. By the time pre-season arrived, Burridge’s squad had swelled to nineteen players and Reeves was left to come to terms with the fact that his reputation as a goal scoring threat would see out their days in a tight pigeon hole, with nothing for company but a fifty-fifty tackle - forever held hostage by the ever growing public opinion that he posed no threat to the opponents goal, whatsoever.

Reeves looked surprisingly calm when receiving the ball on the edge of the penalty area from Burridge envoy Rich Allan during the second half. No doubt believing that this latest chance to gain his reputation as a goal scoring threat was nothing more than a mirage. Even Reeves' most ardent supporters were never sure they'd live to see the day when he scored a goal, so when the ball hit the back of the net the sidelines screamed out in delight. It had been a long wait to see this. Reeves looked mostly relieved at the sight of putting the ball in the opposition's net, saying he’d never fully given up hope of walking back to halfway line after seeing one of his shots actually crossing the goal line.

Stanfield, L.Sanderson, Willsher, J.Schwodler, K.Hewitt (c ) (M.Sanderson), Reeves, Newman, Judd (Hutton), S.Schwodler, B.Schwodler, Allan (S.Hewitt)
Unused subs: Baker, Fielder

H/T: 2-1

Scorers: K.Hewitt, R.Allan, M.Reeves, M.Judd, M.Sanderson, S.Schwodler

Booked: R.Allan, B.Schwodler

Monday, 6 October 2008

It's No Good Lads, You're Going To Have Play In Your Pants & Vest......

Saturday 4th October 2008
Cup - Burridge AFC 1-3 Mottisfont

Greg Baker usually slept in late on Saturday mornings, but today was different. He pulled the duvet aside, left the warmth of his bed, stood on the beige nylon carpet that lay in his bedroom and looked out the window to face a grey morning. His generation are faced with many pressing issues. If it’s not adapting to greener living by saving energy and raw materials in order to preserve our planet, it’s trying to make sense of the consequences of our war against terrorism. And how do we withstand the pressure to conform to having every single room in our homes fitted out with laminate flooring?

These concepts have been too much for some to bear, but not Baker. For he always had strong feelings about nylon fibre carpet. He believed they offered both tremendous value and performance, as well as allowing an ease of maintenance almost unsurpassed when it comes to hiding residual soil and traffic. He thought of nothing but laying its intricate synthetic weave met square against the skirting board. Or at least he did.

Burridge’s training sessions used to be on the indoor carpet at Fleming Park Leisure Centre. The surface was nothing more than functional. The threadbare green stitching provided by a limited government grant was unattractive and as such Baker paid it little attention. Then Burridge began training at Wildern school on the multi-use games area, commonly known as Muga. Baker was instantly captivated with its beauty. He could walk all over that polyurethane for an hour every week.

After returning from these weekly sessions he was unaware of the many hundreds of black rubber polymers that collected in his shoes and socks. When he removed them in his flat he’d leave large deposits of the inconspicuous rubber all over his beige carpet. Baker sat quietly in the home dressing room along with his team-mates, facing the prospect of playing county league outfit Mottisfont in their pants and vest because Mark Sanderson was running late with the Burridge kit. He knew that the only way to remain true to himself would be to stop seeing his carpet immediately and move in the artificial turf.

3-4-3: Stanfield, L.Sanderson, Willsher, J.Schwodler, B.Schwodler, Reeves (Newman), Allan, K.Hewitt (Baker), Judd (Andrews), Rowe, S.Schwodler

Unused sub: M.Sanderson

H/T: 0-1

Scorer: Marc Judd - far post header that put Burridge right back in it.

Quote of the day: "Why can't we put our chances away," Bryn Schwodler in the Bugle Inn, after earlier missing what is called in the trade as an open goal.

booked: Ben Rowe - foul play

Thursday, 2 October 2008

Well I Never........

Mark Sanderson Offers Further Insight Into Why His Performance against Redbridge (according to Justin Newman), Was So Below Par........

After yet another tough week at the sale's desk the last thing I needed was a five-nil whooping at Green Park. I mean, have you any idea of the state of the building market right now? And how's a man supposed to make a living if he's actually got to apply himself anyway? I'll level with you - I wasn't too pleased with my performance on Saturday. Most of efforts were spent chasing the referee, when I thought he’d made a mistake. Which turned out was quite often. Still, not the kind of behaviour a team expects from their captain. There’s no way you’d catch Kristian Hewitt carrying on like that.

I seem to really fly off the handle of late. Take yesterday, some clown had parked their Renault Clio in my designated parking space. I wanted to confront whoever was responsible with a sharp implement and get to work on introducing them to their internal organs. Somehow I managed to keep my cool and leave it at kicking in the Clio's passenger door.

Justin Newman seems to think that my aggression may stem from not having a woman in my life. For a moment I didn't have the foggiest idea what he was driving at. I thought long and hard about women for a moment, seeming to remember some such craze involving their kind way back in say – 1997? Or perhaps 1998? Can’t really remember. I'd assumed the whole women craze had suffered similar fates to hacky-sack and fondue, and that men just weren’t doing that kind of thing anymore. Least I wasn’t.

Turns out that people are still very much into women. After further research I discovered that the whole rumpus wasn’t just a fad at all, and has actually been going on since the dawn of time. Well, it came as quite a surprise I can tell you. I'd just not noticed. These relationships formed by members of the opposing sexes aren't exclusive to the human race either. They're enjoyed by every single living organism.

I suppose I must have been living under a rock all this time for just not realising that every single living creature in the universe is conducting themselves in such a manner. And there I was thinking those pictures of women in those books you get at the petrol station remained there only out of prosperity to a bygone era. No sir, you heard it here first - men and women, despite my previous misinformed opinion, are still having sexual intercourse. Frankly, I can't wait to get in on the action.

Looking back (bringing back the blog)

I haven't posted here since 2012 – that’s five years of not blogging. The blog is/was about Burridge AFC, the football team I played f...