Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Winners of the Sexy Blog Award: Burridge

Thank-you, Leah, from Brooklyn, for giving Burridge something they haven't had for a very long time. No, not that! An award. And if you don't go and visit her blog you're nothing more than a dirty beast.

As is customary when receiving such an award, I will reveal 5 things that make Burridge sexy, but first let me set the scene from when I sat down to write this 2 hours ago:

I am sat at home at my mahogany bureau, eating a bowl of peanut flavoured Wotsits. My ears are covered by ancient Panasonic stereo headphones. They make me look like Princess Leia. Through them John Barry's score for Her Majesty's Secret service is turned up very loud and through the open window I can see people fleeing from the pouring rain as if their lives depended on it.

Do all these things make me feel sexy? Yes they do.

And also I'm not wearing any trousers.

5 Reasons why Burridge are sexy.

Biff - sex point 1 - They like eating meat outdoors.

Thwack - sex point number 2 - They (Greg Baker) think nothing of going up Buckingham Palace for a cuppa and listen to old jug ears, Prince Charles, rattle on about plants.

Wollop - sex pointer 3.They like getting their wing-wangs interfered with whilst going at full whack in speed boats in the South of France.

Kaboom - sexy sex point 4 - if the situation calls for it they've no qualms about wearing sunglasses indoors.

Big loud noise - sex point number 5 - they're not afraid to express their feelings. Even if doing so makes you look a complete tit. Notice how safe I look in Kristian Hewitt's strong arms.

And now for me to sex up other bloggers. The awards go to:

1. Gorilla Bananas who is a hairy sexy beast.

2. Lulu who does nothing but ooze the stuff.

3. The Pouncer, you've got to watch out for her.

4. Madame DeFarge,she makes words sexy.

5. Scarlet, always there to lend her full support.

Obviously, the winners don't have to go on and blog about how sexy they are, but the award is their's all the same.

Sunday, 26 April 2009

Burridge 0-2 Durley

Another football season has come to an end. Burridge will probably finish in 10th place. This wouldn't be such a bad position if there were 60 or 70 other teams in the division, but seeing as there's only 12, even describing Burridge's season as an average one might be a little generous.

Burridge - third from bottom in the senior division.

After all, the league tables do not lie. The league tables don't run a prostitution racket down by the docks either. What I'm trying to say is that luck has nothing to do with losing exactly half of your 22 league games and conceding very nearly two goals per game. It's more to do with the fact that you're not particularly good.

Burridge - lots of grass.

No football now for 3 whole months. This spare time could be put to good use by learning something new, something constructive, something that will change my life for the better. Or I could learn French. But I won't. Thumbs will be twiddled and no doubt by around 1:33pm next Saturday, The Cricketers in Carlton Place will once again benefit from my Maestro card.

Burridge XI v Durley on 25th April.


Friday, 24 April 2009


Congratulations to Kristian Hewitt and Donna Keats, of Hedge End, Southampton, who are getting married today in Barbados after 11 years together.

Despite what they say, Bryn Schwodler is a safe pair of hands and as best man I'm sure he'll do you both proud.

Unfortunately, the car boot sale I was relying on to generate the capital for a flight for to the Caribbean only brought in £3.47. The Morrissey and Nirvana LPs went like hot cakes, but nobody wanted to know about Hungry Hippos, Guess Who? or my Rubik's cube.

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Inmar 2-3 Burridge
Green Park, Millbrook

Pictured above: Inmar make it 2-2 with a 2 minutes left to play

How can something so insignificant mean so much and be so bad? I'm not talking about my next door neighbour, Greg Baker, having it off, I'm talking about Burridge. About a year or so ago my health wasn't feeling too clever. I asked my brother if he'd look at what I'd done in the toilet. He wasn't that keen, but I was desperate. He thought I'd a shot a rabbit down there. I diagnosed myself on the internet and it said I should ring 999, but those few days were still more fun than tonight's game. Lee Fielder's knees passed on several years ago, but Burridge had to rely on him to win this game right at the very death.

Half time score Burridge 0-1 Inmar
Burridge Scorers: Marc Judd 1-1 with a lob
Marc Judd 2-1 with a thunder strike
Lee Fileder 3-2 right in the very last minute

The Buridge line up who beat Inmar tonight in their changed shirts of red and white stripes were were:

In goal: 1.Ben Hutton

Left Back: 2.It's me innit - "What the Hell's this? I ordered gin & tonic."

Burridge skipper and man mountain centre half:3. Kev Willsher

Centre half:4. Big Ben

Right-back:5.Greg Baker

Left midfield: 6.The Mark Reeves

Right midfield: 7. Rich 'Chinese-Monkey' Allan

Centre midfield: 8.Fan's favourite, Justin Newman

Centre midfield: 9. Juddy - two craking goals got us right back in the game.

Centre forward:10.The ox

Centre forward:11.The Andrews

Off the bench:12.Mike Reid

Off the bench to score the winner:13.Lee Fielder

Oh look, another one of Lee Fielder, small in stature but with huge (ahem) presence.

All pictures by Giggsy Wiggsy of Noono Booni knackered knee.

Monday, 20 April 2009


Saturday 18th April
Jones Lane, Hythe
Hythe & Dibden 4-1 Burridge

It was about a quarter of an hour after coming on as a substitute that Mike Reid ran off the pitch. He stopped under the shade of a giant oak tree and let quite a lot of sick come out of his mouth. Some of the sick fell onto the grass, but a substantial amount of sick was more than happy to go all over the front of his Burridge shirt. Hopefully the girl I dropped the kit off to at the laundrette will just think it was some sort of catering accident involving several pounds of diced carrots, and not sick.

Pictured above: Mike Reid - serious chunder

We were short on numbers on Saturday. Some of the lads were in Barbados for Kristian Hewitt's wedding and Hythe had done us by 4 goals to 1 to win the league title. Then, straight after the final whistle, some bloke starts trying to tap up Kev Willsher for next season. Burridge without the Willsher-machine would be like a party where the only refreshments are weak lemon cordial and a stale packet of ginger nut biscuits. It would be crap and everyone would leave.

Burridge's goal was a cracker and it was scored by Ben Rowe.

1.GK:Ben Wilson
3.CB:Ben Hutton (Mike Reid)
4.CB:Kev 'ice-man' Willsher
5.RB:Greg 'he did, you know' Baker
6.LM:The Mark Reeves
7.CM:Rich 'Chinese Monkey' Allan
8.CM:Fan's favourite, Justin Newman
9.CM:Marc Judd
10.CF:Sam 'jackers' Schwodler (Lee Fielder)
11.CF:Ben 'the ox' Rowe

Operating table: Luke Sanderson

PS that's not a typo, Ben Hutton did play at centre half. And well too.

Thursday, 16 April 2009

Knees up

Apart from the transsexuals among us I don't think that there's anybody who looks forward to operations. But as far as I know Luke Sanderson wasn't going into the Royal South Hants to be fitted with a vagina, he was there to have an investigative operation on his left knee.

There was nothing untoward when the Burridge left-back fell over clutching his knee against Inmar on 31st January. The doctor said it was torn cartilage and referred him to a surgeon, who arranged for him to have an arthroscope to shave away the floating cartilage.

The operation went smoothly. He came around from the anaesthetic, got wheeled back to the ward, had a sandwich, and then the surgeon told him he wouldn't play football again. It wasn't only the cartilage that was damaged, he'd torn the anterior cruciate ligament.

(Pictured above: Luke Sanderson - keen on the idea of a knee transplant.

When professional footballers like Michael Owen knacker their cruciate knee ligament they get sent to the States to see the world's number one knee specialist, Dr Richard Steadman. He reconstructs the patient's knee by forming a new ligament from a fresh serum of monkey glands and very strong glue. Or something like that.

It wouldn't have been that much bigger a shock to Luke had the surgeon told him that during the operation he'd accidentally sawn off his penis. Having to hang up his boots at the age of 27 is almost as bad as a future only being able to pleasure ladies with two fingers.

Monday, 13 April 2009

Rules of the Stag

How to make things go smoothly during Rich 'Chinese-Monkey' Allan's stag weekend in Liverpool

I don't know the rules a best man should try and follow in order to make a stag party weekend a success, but I'm pretty sure one of them is to try and avoid getting arrested for fighting with one of the stag party. So perhaps Jay Schwodler should be congratulated. Not for landing a right hook on Lee Fielder. And not for avoiding arrest by the police, who waded in to break up the scuffle. But for fulfilling the best man's objective of getting the stag party into a strip club.

Pictured above: Rich Allan - no fouling please

I only tend to end up in strip clubs on stag weekends. It's not that I'm a prude, and more to do with the fact that I'm not a millionaire. Either way, I know what the inside of one looks like. Or how it's supposed to look like anyway. So you tend to know that something's up when you're not sure whether you're in a strip club or your auntie's sitting room.

Money was collected and the stag was taken on stage by a couple of girls to be humiliated. Exactly how you go about trying to humiliate a man who's already spent the day boozing while dressed in a nurse's uniform does pose a challenge. One not met by making him walk on all fours and insisting he act like a dog. Not unless they wanted him to cock his leg and piss all over their dancing pole, maybe follow it up by laying a big turd all over the carpet. Which made me think that the establishment we found ourselves in was neither a strip club, or my auntie's sitting room, but some seedy back street den, filled with the kind of girls Greg Baker's told me all about.

Pictured above: Boner killer - Rich Allan

We'd left Southampton for Liverpool on Good Friday in a 17 seater mini-bus by 9am. By 10:15 a crate of Stella had been opened and topics of conversion centred around two main topics: detailed descriptions of bowel movements, and women, who were divided into two separate categories - those you definitely would, and those you probably would. The weekend continued in similar vein, with a general relaxing on normal constraints of everyday life - why sleep in the bed of your Travelodge hotel room, when the ground floor carpet of the foyer is perfectly adequate for a good three hour night's sleep?


Now it's all over I'm sure lots of other things happened that were very funny, but I can't remember any of them at the moment. I'm too busy trying to find something edible in my kitchen. So far I've rounded up a jar of gherkins, some peanut butter and a tube of Berocca.

The Stag Party for Rich Allan's Stag weekend in Liverpool during Easter 2009 were:

Stag: Rich Chinese Monkey Allan
Best man: Jay Schwodler
Driver: Dykey
Kristian Hewitt
Bryn Schwodler
Greg Baker
Paul Andrews
Scott Burnet
Kev Willsher
Ross Bryant
Craig Bryant
Dan Greek-Italian
Rob Rugby
Fraser Hewlett
Luke Sanderson
Lee Fielder
And me

Best man, Jay Schwodler - always under control.

Thursday, 9 April 2009

Netley 1-0 Burridge

Weapons of mass destruction

Should President Obama's administration be looking for a new type of missile to blow the North Korean capital of Pyongyang to smithereens, they need look no further than Marc Judd's left foot. Once encased in Adidas that size seven foot is easily capable of propelling a leather football with the necessary force to take down Kim Jong Il from a distance of up to 40 yards. That's 37 metres. Netley's crossbar can testify to the power. It was practically knocked off it's hinges when Judd smashed it from about two miles away.

(Pictured) Luke's chili - I have no quibble with the moist chicken, but did the sauce have too much poke?

So the Netley goal survived. As did Ryan Jones' legs, which fortunately for him are still attached to the rest of his body. Which came as a relief to Burridge mainly because many of Netley's players seemed unable to differentiate between a game of football and grievous bodily harm. It took a while for me to register why the Netley players responsible for trying to slice Jonesy's legs off were protesting so, for what in countries like North Korea would probably constitute the death penalty. Then it occurred to me that once you've deducted the £8 fine that a yellow card carries there isn't much left to spend from the weekly giro.

Half time score: Netley 1-0 Burridge

There was still a good ten minutes left to play, but Kristian Hewitt had had enough. He removed his goalkeeping gloves and walked off the field of play, in what appeared to be a protest against thuggery. It lasted approximately 10 seconds. As yet, there has been no approach from Ban Ki-Moon and the United Nations about offering Hewitt a position as an peace envoy in Millbrook.

Burridge XI that played Netley on Wedneday 8th April were:

Goalkeeper: Kristian Hewitt
Right back: Jay Schwodler
Centre half: Kev Willsher
Centre half: Marc Judd
Left back: Me
Right wing: Greg Baker
Centre mid: Fan's favourite, Justin Newman
Centre mid: Rich Allan
Left wing: Bryn Schwodler (legless: Ryan Jones)
Striker: Sam Hewitt (sub: Paul Andrews)
Striker: Sam Schwodler

Burridge take the 17 seater mini-bus up to Liverpool tomorrow morning for Richie Allan's stag weekend.

Kick off is at 8:30am.

......my neighbour Greg Baker's just popped over the hall asking for a lift over to Richie's tomorrow morning. He's dressed in nothing but his work shirt and his underpants....

Plus, I'm also concerned that the hotel room Lee Fielder and I are staying in will, as in Nottingham, have a double bed instead of two singles.

Sunday, 5 April 2009

Saturday 5th April

Sight to behold

A persistent back injury kept Kev Willsher out of the game he loves dearly for almost eighteen months. But against Michelmersh he was once again an absolute colossus at the heart of Burridge's defence. Opposing centre forwards are going to have to rethink their strategy when playing against him. I'd suggest exposing him to kryptonite. The only sight more impressive on a fine Saturday afternoon was that of his sister on the sidelines. Truly magnificent.

(Pictured above) Kev Willsher, upstaged by sister.

Naughty Boy

It came as no surprise when Sam Schwodler was sent off during the second half for swearing at the referee. What was surprising was that this was his first ever red card. It was a bit like waking up next to Paris Hilton and finding out that last night was the first time she'd ever had it up the chuff. It's probably fair to say that Sam Schwodler doesn't spend his spare time tuning into the Antiques Roadshow and reciting Keats to his pregnant girlfriend. But just because he has a total disregard for the smoking ban in pubs by his sixth or seventh turbo-shandy, isn't reason to assume he's been sent off before. One should only base that assumption on the fact that the 26 year old has bellowed the really bad swear word, the one that girls aren't too keen on, in the face of nearly every referee in the county.

(Pictured above) Sam Schwodler gets red card from referee.

What a tart

The English Summer of 2009 was about an hour and 17 minutes old when Lee Fielder decided to take his shirt off. As soon as the sun comes out he develops this terrible aversion to clothes and starts walking near anything in a skirt whilst tensing his stomach muscles and showing off that sculpted physique of his. I make fun of him when he starts doing this because firstly, I think he's a ponce, and secondly because I'm jealous I can't do likewise without kids getting upset when I tell them I'm neither Austin Powers or working at the local circus.

(Pictured above) Sammy Hewitt makes it 4-0 to Burridge.

This week Burridge gaffer, Pete Lyons went with a 4-4-2 formation:

GK:Ben Stanfield
RB:Jay Schwodler (Ryan Jones)
CB:Marc Judd
LM:Bryn Schwodler
CM:Rich Allan (Mark Reeves)
CM:Justin Newman
RM:Kristian Hewitt (Greg Baker)
CF:Sam Hewitt
CF:Sam Schwodler – red card for dissent

Burridge Goals were scored by:

1-0 Bryn Schwodler - kept it low from the edge of the box.
2-0 Their goalkeeper diverted the ball into his own net.
3-0 Me - header, after Bryn headed across from the back post
4-0 Sammy Hewitt - Nonchalantly lobbed the ball over the goalkeeper's head.

Next week Burridge get on the 17 seater mini-bus for the journey to Liverpool for Richie Allan's stag do.

Kick off is 8:30am.

Thursday, 2 April 2009

Burridge 0-1 Northend

Nothing like a bit of handbags at ten paces

Date:Wednesday 1st April
Kick off:6pm

Casual violence is up there with watching TV as one of Britain's biggest pastimes. Until now it had been measured by a simple scientific formula, with the likelihood of a good old tear up being directly proportional to the number of pints of Stella consumed. That was until the recession started squeezing pubs out of business , effectively threatening violence's natural habitat with extinction. We were momentarily forced to imagine a future where our children would have to make do with meeting up late at night in McDonald's car parks for their ultra violence. It didn't bear thinking about.

(pictured: Lee Fielder - aggressive)

So thank goodness for football. The sport that offers men a wonderful opportunity of not only being able to fully express their violent rage without having to spend lots of money on lager, but also without the hassle of being killed dead in the process. Let's say you grab some bloke around the throat down The Woodman in Lordshill because he looked at you in a manner you deemed ambiguous. It's unlikely you'll be invited outside to remove your tunic for a spot of the old Queensbury rules, mainly because you'll already be lying face down in a pool of your own blood.

Pictured: Jay Schwodler, and Dad, Pete, who was in attendance for the game - (other son Sam went against both Bryn Schwodler and and his Dad Pete's advice and went to his heavily pregnant missus' anti-natal class)

That's what's great about football - you don't have to worry about getting stabbed. Instead, the great game allows men like Lee Fielder, who aren't much more than a tin of special brew over five feet tall, to forget about self preservation, common sense, and anything else that prevents you from getting a good kicking, to go eyeball to eyeball with Northend's manager and call him a fat bastard.

Pictured; Jonesy and Sammy Hewitt - strange hotel bedding ritual

To read some more serious guff about Burridge, Peter Crouch and Richie Allan go to The Times Online by clicking here

The Burridge side who lost 1-0 to Northend were:

CF:S.Hewitt (Fielder)

Saturday - home to Michelmersh & Timsbury

Looking back (bringing back the blog)

I haven't posted here since 2012 – that’s five years of not blogging. The blog is/was about Burridge AFC, the football team I played f...