Rules of the Stag

How to make things go smoothly during Rich 'Chinese-Monkey' Allan's stag weekend in Liverpool

I don't know the rules a best man should try and follow in order to make a stag party weekend a success, but I'm pretty sure one of them is to try and avoid getting arrested for fighting with one of the stag party. So perhaps Jay Schwodler should be congratulated. Not for landing a right hook on Lee Fielder. And not for avoiding arrest by the police, who waded in to break up the scuffle. But for fulfilling the best man's objective of getting the stag party into a strip club.

Pictured above: Rich Allan - no fouling please

I only tend to end up in strip clubs on stag weekends. It's not that I'm a prude, and more to do with the fact that I'm not a millionaire. Either way, I know what the inside of one looks like. Or how it's supposed to look like anyway. So you tend to know that something's up when you're not sure whether you're in a strip club or your auntie's sitting room.

Money was collected and the stag was taken on stage by a couple of girls to be humiliated. Exactly how you go about trying to humiliate a man who's already spent the day boozing while dressed in a nurse's uniform does pose a challenge. One not met by making him walk on all fours and insisting he act like a dog. Not unless they wanted him to cock his leg and piss all over their dancing pole, maybe follow it up by laying a big turd all over the carpet. Which made me think that the establishment we found ourselves in was neither a strip club, or my auntie's sitting room, but some seedy back street den, filled with the kind of girls Greg Baker's told me all about.

Pictured above: Boner killer - Rich Allan

We'd left Southampton for Liverpool on Good Friday in a 17 seater mini-bus by 9am. By 10:15 a crate of Stella had been opened and topics of conversion centred around two main topics: detailed descriptions of bowel movements, and women, who were divided into two separate categories - those you definitely would, and those you probably would. The weekend continued in similar vein, with a general relaxing on normal constraints of everyday life - why sleep in the bed of your Travelodge hotel room, when the ground floor carpet of the foyer is perfectly adequate for a good three hour night's sleep?

Conclusion:

Now it's all over I'm sure lots of other things happened that were very funny, but I can't remember any of them at the moment. I'm too busy trying to find something edible in my kitchen. So far I've rounded up a jar of gherkins, some peanut butter and a tube of Berocca.

The Stag Party for Rich Allan's Stag weekend in Liverpool during Easter 2009 were:

Stag: Rich Chinese Monkey Allan
Best man: Jay Schwodler
Driver: Dykey
Kristian Hewitt
Bryn Schwodler
Greg Baker
Paul Andrews
Scott Burnet
Kev Willsher
Ross Bryant
Craig Bryant
Dan Greek-Italian
Rob Rugby
Fraser Hewlett
Luke Sanderson
Lee Fielder
And me

Best man, Jay Schwodler - always under control.

Stag 1 - Bournemouth

Strippers too busy getting them under-crackers off to notice any credit crumbles.

Occasion: Kristian Hewitt's Stag weekend
Date: Friday 27th March - Sunday 28th March 2009
Venue: Seaside, Bournemouth

If it's gone four in the morning and the gin and tonic you've just ordered has barely given you enough change from a tenner to buy stamps, you really don't give a toss whether the girls show any interest in the hogwash you've been going on about your job. When you wake up in the morning you'll be more concerned about the size of the carrot that the bank will be poking in your bottom for going over drawn, but right now all you want to see is them girls getting those under-crackers off. Mind you, that doesn't seem to stop them saying that they like your hair. Or that they used to live down your street from your current address, or anything else to squeeze a few extra quid out of you. Mind you, they're not all like that. One I was with was different. She took a real interest in the career I was lying to her about. We connected on what I would call a spiritual level. And while I cannot remember her name, I do recall her being very much into me.

(Above - Stag, Kristian Hewitt and best man, Bryn Schwodler)

Well done to Bryn for organising the whole weekend, and well done to all the other lads for not getting into anything other than a bit of good old fashioned mischief.

The Burridge representatives who went on Kristian's stag do were:

Kristian Hewitt - 9/10 I've not seen such an enthusiastic performance from him.
Bryn Schwodler
Me
Justin Newman
Lee Fielder 6/10 foundation and hair product held up well
Ryan Jones 5/10 loses marks for poor second half performance.
Sam Hewitt 7/10 Needs to spend less time falling out of bed.
Paul Andrews 5/10 slept through England game.
Jay Schwodler 6/10 one girl passer by described him as miserable. Unfair?
Kev Willsher
Rich Allan
Mark Reeves
Marc Judd - 7.5/10 Hanging spectacularly on Saturday
Ben Rowe
Greg Baker - 6/10 - Did I see a bottle of water in his hands late on Saturday?
Luke Sanderson 8/10 lasted distance.
Scott Burnet


Plenty of time now to get reaqainted with some shut eye for Wednesday night's game against Northend.