How to make things go smoothly during Rich 'Chinese-Monkey' Allan's stag weekend in Liverpool
I don't know the rules a best man should try and follow in order to make a stag party weekend a success, but I'm pretty sure one of them is to try and avoid getting arrested for fighting with one of the stag party. So perhaps Jay Schwodler should be congratulated. Not for landing a right hook on Lee Fielder. And not for avoiding arrest by the police, who waded in to break up the scuffle. But for fulfilling the best man's objective of getting the stag party into a strip club.
Pictured above: Rich Allan - no fouling please
I only tend to end up in strip clubs on stag weekends. It's not that I'm a prude, and more to do with the fact that I'm not a millionaire. Either way, I know what the inside of one looks like. Or how it's supposed to look like anyway. So you tend to know that something's up when you're not sure whether you're in a strip club or your auntie's sitting room.
Money was collected and the stag was taken on stage by a couple of girls to be humiliated. Exactly how you go about trying to humiliate a man who's already spent the day boozing while dressed in a nurse's uniform does pose a challenge. One not met by making him walk on all fours and insisting he act like a dog. Not unless they wanted him to cock his leg and piss all over their dancing pole, maybe follow it up by laying a big turd all over the carpet. Which made me think that the establishment we found ourselves in was neither a strip club, or my auntie's sitting room, but some seedy back street den, filled with the kind of girls Greg Baker's told me all about.
Pictured above: Boner killer - Rich Allan
We'd left Southampton for Liverpool on Good Friday in a 17 seater mini-bus by 9am. By 10:15 a crate of Stella had been opened and topics of conversion centred around two main topics: detailed descriptions of bowel movements, and women, who were divided into two separate categories - those you definitely would, and those you probably would. The weekend continued in similar vein, with a general relaxing on normal constraints of everyday life - why sleep in the bed of your Travelodge hotel room, when the ground floor carpet of the foyer is perfectly adequate for a good three hour night's sleep?
Now it's all over I'm sure lots of other things happened that were very funny, but I can't remember any of them at the moment. I'm too busy trying to find something edible in my kitchen. So far I've rounded up a jar of gherkins, some peanut butter and a tube of Berocca.
The Stag Party for Rich Allan's Stag weekend in Liverpool during Easter 2009 were:
Stag: Rich Chinese Monkey Allan
Best man: Jay Schwodler
Best man, Jay Schwodler - always under control.