Monday, 13 April 2009

Rules of the Stag

How to make things go smoothly during Rich 'Chinese-Monkey' Allan's stag weekend in Liverpool

I don't know the rules a best man should try and follow in order to make a stag party weekend a success, but I'm pretty sure one of them is to try and avoid getting arrested for fighting with one of the stag party. So perhaps Jay Schwodler should be congratulated. Not for landing a right hook on Lee Fielder. And not for avoiding arrest by the police, who waded in to break up the scuffle. But for fulfilling the best man's objective of getting the stag party into a strip club.

Pictured above: Rich Allan - no fouling please

I only tend to end up in strip clubs on stag weekends. It's not that I'm a prude, and more to do with the fact that I'm not a millionaire. Either way, I know what the inside of one looks like. Or how it's supposed to look like anyway. So you tend to know that something's up when you're not sure whether you're in a strip club or your auntie's sitting room.

Money was collected and the stag was taken on stage by a couple of girls to be humiliated. Exactly how you go about trying to humiliate a man who's already spent the day boozing while dressed in a nurse's uniform does pose a challenge. One not met by making him walk on all fours and insisting he act like a dog. Not unless they wanted him to cock his leg and piss all over their dancing pole, maybe follow it up by laying a big turd all over the carpet. Which made me think that the establishment we found ourselves in was neither a strip club, or my auntie's sitting room, but some seedy back street den, filled with the kind of girls Greg Baker's told me all about.

Pictured above: Boner killer - Rich Allan

We'd left Southampton for Liverpool on Good Friday in a 17 seater mini-bus by 9am. By 10:15 a crate of Stella had been opened and topics of conversion centred around two main topics: detailed descriptions of bowel movements, and women, who were divided into two separate categories - those you definitely would, and those you probably would. The weekend continued in similar vein, with a general relaxing on normal constraints of everyday life - why sleep in the bed of your Travelodge hotel room, when the ground floor carpet of the foyer is perfectly adequate for a good three hour night's sleep?


Now it's all over I'm sure lots of other things happened that were very funny, but I can't remember any of them at the moment. I'm too busy trying to find something edible in my kitchen. So far I've rounded up a jar of gherkins, some peanut butter and a tube of Berocca.

The Stag Party for Rich Allan's Stag weekend in Liverpool during Easter 2009 were:

Stag: Rich Chinese Monkey Allan
Best man: Jay Schwodler
Driver: Dykey
Kristian Hewitt
Bryn Schwodler
Greg Baker
Paul Andrews
Scott Burnet
Kev Willsher
Ross Bryant
Craig Bryant
Dan Greek-Italian
Rob Rugby
Fraser Hewlett
Luke Sanderson
Lee Fielder
And me

Best man, Jay Schwodler - always under control.


Madame DeFarge said...

Never having been inside a strip club (leading as I do a sheltered life), this sounds like a lark. Good to know that woman are divided into only two categories - very broadminded of you.

Your kitchen contents are healthy, vegetables, protein and vitamins. Just add beer for a perfect feast.

Emerson Marks said...

You're not really missing out, Madame.

I don't know if you've ever been to Liverpool, but I liked it.

The sun was shining and I like the accent. It's friendly.

You'll have to excuse me. I'm off to my Mum's for tea.

Scarlet-Blue said...

What is going on in your avatar?

Gorilla Bananas said...

You don't see many Chinese monkeys like him. He's the rare breed whose head is used to break open coconuts. Did you ask the strippers if they were engaged? That's always a great chat-up line with strippers, so I hear.

Chinese Monkey Allan said...

just like to thank all the boys for a top weekend it was fucking empire!!!
JAY for helping me sort it out and showing us his boxing moves.
SANDY for your pure entertainment.
FRASER,CRAIG AND ROSS for managing to make all night after the afternoon session.
KEV for knowing every word to every song and singing them
BAKER for his wit and one liners
KRIS for his dance moves
DAN for not saying anything as i slyly lost my shots on the floor not down my neck
DYKEY for driving
ANDREWS for coming up all on his own
ROBLAA for getting then making me wear that nurse uniform
SCOTTY for watching chinese porn and not even giving me an invite(cheers)
LEE for not going down while taking jays knuckles on his lips
LUKE for being fun and always up for another drink
AND FINALLY BRYN who without him i wouldnt of had vodka flicked in my eyes, beer spilt on me and all of us would of had nicer smelling journey home!!! I can now c why helen wants him to go to the doctors about his arse!!!!!!

Jimmy Bastard said...

Ahhhh... nothing quite like a good old fashioned lads night out.

Pure brand new.

Emerson Marks said...

Hello Scarlet. Don't be alarmed. The avatar is a close up of the Burridge Halloween pumpkin.

Mr Gorilla. Yes he's a rare breed of Chinese Monkey alright. Don't think anyone had much banter with the night ladies. Although Mr Dyke was rumoured to have visited a mother and duaghter.

Glad you enjoyed yourself, Rich. As Jimmy says, nothing like it.

wilts said...

Great weekend lads, lets shake off the effects of alcohol by smashing Durley wednesday night!

Mrs Pouncer said...

Scarlet, look at Rich Allan. Would you?

Emerson, baybee, although I sound as if I've never left Guildford, I am a native of L'pool, so gimme some details, like where did you stay? Where did you go? Where were you sick? You know, that sorta thing.

Emerson Marks said...

Are you having me on, Pouncer? You're a bit posh to be from up north aren't you?

All I know is that we stayed at this very posh hotel called Travelodge. They had a TV in the room and everything. The only place I remember the name of is Heebie Jeebies, which was off of a square near Bold street.

I didn't sick up. I'm quite good like that these days. There were a few casualties but they've begged me to remain anonymous.

savannah said...

funny stuff, sugar! ;) best wishes to the groom! xoxo

Emerson Marks said...

Muchos gracias, Savo! The Chinese Monkey is in good hands. said...

Wow, sounds like you guys had a blast. Typically here, we start the night with a few hundred friends who get together at a banquet hall or restaurant for one last dinner with the boys, then whoevers standing from the intense drinking, we head over to the Peelers.

Great job and Good luck!

Justin C.

Emerson Marks said...

Jog on you muggy little spammer.

...Then whoever's standing from the intense drinking?....

It's advert free here you knobhound.

The Gaffer said...

good to hear you are all back safe and sound.Fixtures have been finalised Sat 18th away to Hythe & Dib 2.30ko,Wed 22nd away to Inmar 6pm ko probably at green park,sat 25th home durley 2.30 ko.Imprompto training at Burridge 7pm wed evening or earlier.Will need numbers for the presentation do and also player of the year selections.See you tomorrow lads

EmmaK said...

MJ sent me over - but I can't read this stuff because it is about football. The only thing I have less interest in is American football and possibly the state of Gordon Brown's underpants.

Emerson Marks said...

Don't worry, Emma. It's football, but only very loosely speaking.

Anonymous said...

Justin C sounds like a right cock! Banquet hall?? what fucking planet do you live on pal?!

Anonymous said...

is this blog about football?

Emerson Marks said...

Anonymous - yes and no. Sometimes about Burridge football club and sometimes about the players and incidents behind the football club.

I'm not sure if that answers your question.

Melissa said...

Stag parties...sounds like a night of drunken debauchery.

Emerson Marks said...

It was, Melissa. But now we're in rehab mode: the lads are in oxygen tanks eating fresh pinal glands.

Fields said...

Do you think with all these female bloggers visiting our site now, we could make up a cheerleading squad?

wilts said...

that sounds like a great idea fields!

Leah said...

Your strip club and gherkins make my life seem so tame...

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