Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Chariots of Fire

Rich Allan (dark shirt) and Lee Fielder (far side in white) demonstrate excellent wrist action.

Monday, 30 March 2009

Phantom Guff

Anyway, I've taken up Yoga. A mate's missus suggested it after she most probably got bored of me whining on about being stiff all over come a Monday morning. The class is taken in this big old fashioned 1930's style house around the corner from me. The kind that always seem to be converted into about four student gaffs these days. Yoga's not as poncey as I thought it'd be. It's mostly birds who go to the class.

It turns my stomach when some of them start bending all over the show. Some of them are way too skinny. If you ask me a lot of them could do with eating a few meat pies. I tend to sit at the back of the class out the way.

(Above: Keith Moon - could knock out the Seeker on my arse cheeks)

There's one exercise called the dancing dog, or the ferret face, or something like that, and my bowels felt taut and hollow enough for Keith Moon to give a damn good thrashing. There's this other exercise that when you're doing it you're looking over your shoulder behind you.

It was about this time that someone towards the end of the class let one go. Nothing serious, but with enough gusto to get the old ear 'oles pricking up. As I said it's mostly birds in there, so naturally, all these skinny birds who probably live off lentils start looking back at me as if I'm the one who's just guffed.

On the way out my mate's missus asked if I was responsible for the 'trouser squeak,' as she called it. I put her straight. "If I let one go, you'll know about it," I said. It won't be some pathetic little semi-quaver either, it'll be a deep sounding baritone followed by a godawful stench after all the crap I've eaten over the last few days. I'm not really sure if that made it worse. So from now on at Yoga it seems that I'm that bloke at the back who guffs.

For more guff on Burridge visit the Times by clicking here

Oh yeah, apologies to Juddy, (picture below stolen without permission from Friend face), who claims he wasn't hanging out his arse on Saturday morning, just very very tired.

Sunday, 29 March 2009

Stag 1 - Bournemouth

Strippers too busy getting them under-crackers off to notice any credit crumbles.

Occasion: Kristian Hewitt's Stag weekend
Date: Friday 27th March - Sunday 28th March 2009
Venue: Seaside, Bournemouth

If it's gone four in the morning and the gin and tonic you've just ordered has barely given you enough change from a tenner to buy stamps, you really don't give a toss whether the girls show any interest in the hogwash you've been going on about your job. When you wake up in the morning you'll be more concerned about the size of the carrot that the bank will be poking in your bottom for going over drawn, but right now all you want to see is them girls getting those under-crackers off. Mind you, that doesn't seem to stop them saying that they like your hair. Or that they used to live down your street from your current address, or anything else to squeeze a few extra quid out of you. Mind you, they're not all like that. One I was with was different. She took a real interest in the career I was lying to her about. We connected on what I would call a spiritual level. And while I cannot remember her name, I do recall her being very much into me.

(Above - Stag, Kristian Hewitt and best man, Bryn Schwodler)

Well done to Bryn for organising the whole weekend, and well done to all the other lads for not getting into anything other than a bit of good old fashioned mischief.

The Burridge representatives who went on Kristian's stag do were:

Kristian Hewitt - 9/10 I've not seen such an enthusiastic performance from him.
Bryn Schwodler
Justin Newman
Lee Fielder 6/10 foundation and hair product held up well
Ryan Jones 5/10 loses marks for poor second half performance.
Sam Hewitt 7/10 Needs to spend less time falling out of bed.
Paul Andrews 5/10 slept through England game.
Jay Schwodler
6/10 one girl passer by described him as miserable. Unfair?
Kev Willsher
Rich Allan
Mark Reeves
Marc Judd - 7.5/10 Hanging spectacularly on Saturday
Ben Rowe
Greg Baker - 6/10 - Did I see a bottle of water in his hands late on Saturday?
Luke Sanderson 8/10 lasted distance.
Scott Burnet

Plenty of time now to get reaqainted with some shut eye for Wednesday night's game against Northend.

Friday, 27 March 2009

Dangerous Thursday

I was walking down Portswood Road enjoying the afternoon sun when the first punch landed me in the ribs. I ducked the second which was quickly followed by a few swift kicks to my shins, and while I'm not proud of everything I've done in my life, I've got a rule – I don't hit women. Not even after they've come zig-zagging in and out of moving cars with a look of psychotic rage in their dead eyes and start trying to beat the living shit out of me.

I pushed her away. She went on screaming at me for money out of a mouth filled with gaps where teeth once stood. Although technically she was spot on in identifying me as a fucking wanker, labelling me a cocksucker was inaccurate. I would have told her so, but still a little worked up from the ordeal of having her dirty claws all over me, I only managed to blurt out that had she been a bloke I'd have put her head through the nearest window. Not the usual patter I offer the ladies.

In a few hours time Burridge skive out of work early and drive westbound down the M27 to the seaside for Kristian Hewitt's (pictured right) stag weekend. My only hope is that all twenty-five lads attending remember to bring their drinking boots, otherwise they might find themselves getting well and truly blogged on Sunday afternoon.

Have a good weekend.

Monday, 23 March 2009

Northend 4-1 Burridge

Written on a Sunday...

(right) Eva - still not returning my calls.

Sunday really is a bastard of a day. Last time I felt like this I woke up in hospital with a drip feed in my arm. What I need right now is a good rub down from Eva Longoria, not sat staring at this blank sheet of paper. Every part of my body is telling me that following Saturday afternoon's game with another on Sunday morning is the worst idea since they took blockbusters off the air.

My nose is bleeding again. Must have over done it with the trimmer. It's no longer hair I'm up against, it's nylon thread. What with half of it being white I'm convinced I could patch together a pretty sturdy goal net with my nasal sprouting.

(above) Kristian Hewitt lets fly earlier in the season against Durley.

Another beating for Burridge and a good one at that. Their heads hung low as Ben Stanfield retrieved the ball from his net for the fourth time of the afternoon, as Northend's tattooed bodies, carved from wood, made their way back to the half way line. How long before Burridge's priorities change? When chasing more able players around barren council land subside to the necissity of creosoting fences? Whatever happens I refuse to be seduced by golf.

Jay Schwodler was unfortunate to concede his second penalty in a week with his second consecutive hand ball. But as always, hope springs eternal. Fan's favourite, 37 year old Justin Newman, repeated last week's first touch goal, by coming off the bench to momentarily put Burridge back in the game.

(left) Jay Schwodler's new T-shirt range. You've got to hand it to him, he's having no problems coming to grips with it.

The Burridge line up against Northend at Trojans on Saturday 21st March are listed below:


Subs: Newman, Reeves, Jones, Reid

Monday, 16 March 2009

Burridge 4-2 Redbridge

It was Rich Allan....in the goal mouth...with the claw hammer.

First things first, troops. Sorry that this post is late. Fan's favourite, Justin Newman, has already grilled me for not having it ready Monday morning sharp. As according to him, all I do for a living is go round a mate's house and drink tea. Not so, Justin. Not so.......anyway, let's get on with it...

There was about to be a very serious accident on the M27. My gut struggled to contain what was already a good five minutes overdue from violently evacuating my bowels. Cold beads of sweat had begun emanating about my temples as the needle hit ninety and worse news was still to come. After finally arriving at the changing rooms something was missing. There was no toilet paper. Not a single sheet. I cast my mind back to what former Burridge legend, Scott Burnet, did when faced with similar circumstances several years ago. The red headed university lecturer, forever the pragmatist, pulled a solution from his pocket. It's true what they say, it really does pay to keep your receipts.

(Above) Scott Burnet, he taught Chuck Norris all he knows and then he taught him some more.

(Below) Kenny G - caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.

So no toilet paper and nothing to peg the goal nets into the ground with either. Not until Rich Allan appeared armed with a handful of mastic nozzles and began holding the net into place by banging them into the mud with a steel claw hammer. He would have done well to return the weapon safely to his van. Let me explain – when I drive through Redbridge it's done with the doors locked and at top speeds running through red lights. Redbridge have always carried around with them a reputation for kicking people's heads in. Let it be known that having my skull caved in like a pinata with a claw hammer remains even lower on my priorities than going to the B.I.C with the gaffer to see Kenny G.

(Above) Rich Allan, always ready to get hammered.

I can only presume Lee Fielder was unaware of the weapon that was stashed pitch side when the Redbridge manager threatened to tear his head off. Too late. The damage was already done. Redbridge never did unleash a can of Humpty-Dumpty on Lee Fielder. Not this time. That's because Burridge had this game sewn up. Fan's favourite, Justin Newman, came off the substitute bench to rubber stamp this win by smashing in goal number four with his very first touch of the ball, proving that he really is the special one.

By clicking here you can read me trying to write seriously about football on the Times Online.

The Burridge starting XI that beat Redbridge by 4 goals to 2 in the Gaffer's all new 3-4-3 formation was:

CB:Wilsher (c)
CB:J.Schwodler (Jones)
CM:My good self
CF:S.Schwodler (S.Hewitt)

Booked: Marc Judd - I didn't see a problem, but ref's get uptight when studs are showing these days. Oh, to the old days when a man could take a set of darts to the game, eh?

Scorers: 1-1 - Bryn Schwodler with a well lush volley.
2-1 - Sam Schwodler in his stride.
3-1 - Myself, but I don't like to talk about it.
4-1 - Fan's favourite, Justin Newman with his very first touch.

For all those present at the game on Saturday I'd love your marks out of ten. Rowey, I'd give you 7/10. Thought you were solid, nipper.

Still crocked from injury: Lee Fielder, Paul Andrews and Luke Sanderson.

Next week Burridge face Northend at Trojans.

Have a good week.

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Six lessons in Burridge

Our friend, Jimmy Bastard, suggested on his last blog post, which you can see here , that I raise six pointers that will give the uninitiated a better understanding of life at Burridge, so here goes:

1. Greg Baker (pictured) hasn't missed a penalty kick since blazing over Tim Flowers' crossbar at Wembley stadium, whilst warming the Southampton goalkeeper up before their 3-2 defeat to Nottingham Forest in the hotly anticipated 1992 Zenith Data Systems Cup. What memories, you can see the game here

2. Burridge featured on BBC's Newsnight in January 2007 after former red headed Burridge centre-half, Paul Dyke, wrote a of letter of complaint to the Southern Daily Echo, comparing Southampton referee, Mark Rayment's comment to him of, 'oi, ginger - shut up,' to a racist slur.

3. I passed out with heat exhaustion after twenty-two miles of the 2005 Siberian Marathon in Omsk. Former Burridge legend and soon to be Dad, Scott Burnet did finish the 26 miles, then had to fanny around in taxis looking for me in hospital.

4.Sometimes I'm a little hard on my former housemate, Jay Schwodler, and his ability on the football field. As you'll see quite clearly by watching the video above, that was shot on location in France by Lee Fielder, I feel my bitching is totally vindicated.

5.Burridge were given the kiss of death by Rod Sutherland in the 6th September 2008 edition of the Southampton Sport Echo, who predicted Burridge would finish in second place in senior division one of the Drew Smith Group Southampton Football League. The man must be a clown.

6.I'm a heterosexual man, but never tire of admiring the magnificence of Lee Fielder stood naked in the shower. I won't lie to you, sometimes it gets so cold, by the time I get to the shower my old trouser mouse is reduced to nothing more than an acorn. But Lee, despite only being 5 foot 6 in his shoes, hangs like a proud cucumber at a vegetable growing competition.

This is the tip of the iceberg, I hope it serves to give you a better understanding of Burridge. Maybe I should have posted Steve Whitfield's inspirational team talk before the game with Meon Valley champions, Fareham Sacred Hearts? I know it got the players going.

I'm sure I've missed some gems, lads. Perhaps you could remind me...

Sunday, 8 March 2009

Durley 2-1 Burridge AFC

Lost tempers lose games

Saturday 7th March
Kytes Lane, Durley

Kevin Willsher was pissed right off. Burridge hadn't been awarded a penalty kick, and had he a gun handy there's every chance that he would've drawn it from his black Umbro shorts and blown a big hole in the match officials head. As it was he ran towards the referee, yelling at him to, 'open his fucking eyes,' to which the referee responded by pulling a yellow card from his top pocket, showing it to the Burridge defender, who made his way back to his position thinking about .44 Magnums.

Burridge have now clocked up 23 yellow cards this season. With each one carrying an £8 fine, the sum owed by the club to the Southampton football association totals £184, without even taking into consideration the £33 Ryan Jones was docked for his red card dismissal against Comrades. To think he'd only been on the field for ten minutes. Club captain, Kristian Hewitt, followed Willsher into the referee's book for dissent, and although unable to remember exactly what he said, was sure he included the words, 'wanker' and 'cheating bastard.'

Greg Baker had already conceded a penalty when he received his third booking in four weeks, again for dissent. Too often this season Baker's temper has gotten the better of him. It's come to my attention of late that the curtains of his flat are drawn closed, he doesn't return my telephone calls, and they'll be no second date with that girl, leaving one to wonder what inner demons he's wrestling with. Suddenly it all becomes so clear.....(pictured below: Greg Baker during more relaxed times).

She couldn't have been sober. No, it must've been the third glass of dry white wine that convinced her to go back to Baker's flat, but she slipped on those damned stairs, fell back and hit her head on the stone foyer floor. Blood trickled from her ears as he checked her pulse. Not a dicky-bird. Nobody would believe it was an accident, not with that viscous temper of his. But Baker couldn't face doing time. So it was many hours later under the cover of darkness, 4:27am, her body safely despatched off the side of the Itchen bridge that he returned home to bed for a few hours of fitful sleep. Let go, Greg. It wasn't your fault, but your cover has been blown.

We all have our little nuances, Greg. The sound of cutlery banged together sends Bryn Schwodler to his knees begging for mercy, while Lee Fielder would rather roll his car off the M27 than have the volume of his digital stereo set to an odd number, and you dispose of the bodies of women who refuse your sexual advances into the choppy waters of the Itchen River. Hey, don't get short with me, I'm merely seeing it through the crooked eyes of the law. Tell you what, square the £24 tab you owe with club and we'll say no more about it.

The Burridge XI that lost 2-1 to Durley were......

RB:Baker (Reid) yellow carded
CB:K.Hewitt (c )yellow carded
CB:Willsher - yellow carded
CF:Judd (Andrews)
CF:S.Schwodler - scored to pull it back to 2-1

Last word goes to club captain, Kristian Hewitt, in philosophical mood after this latest defeat.

"Referees are just freaks who wanted to play football, but can't."

Sunday, 1 March 2009

Burridge AFC 1-2 Netley Central

I reckon I just might puke

Date:Saturday 28th February
Venue: Burridge, Southampton, 'amp-shire.

I don't reckon we'd played more than twenty minutes when I started thinking, where has the feeling gone in my legs? Has last night's Kronenbourg got anything to do with this? And, why do I keep doing this to myself? I needed something. Maybe a quick shooter of Benzedrine, or perhaps a small dab of the old anabolic. Anything to pick me up and put an end to this hell. Unfortunately, the Burridge medical budget doesn't stretch to anything stronger than Ralgex and a wet sponge. So I struggled on.

I consoled myself with the fact that things could always be worse. Fans favourite, Justin Newman, once again belied his 37 years of age, by playing like a 45 year old. A ball played into my feet wouldn't go amiss you old git. Doesn't he realise how bloody slow I am? If chasing after a team who must have been ten years younger than most of us wasn't bad enough, regaining possession of the ball was even worse. That's because once we got it back we were so knackered it took everything we had not to give it straight back.

Take a good look at the photograph above. Bryn Schwodler has both eyes on the ball, while fan's favourite, Justin Newman, is the furthest player to the right in blue and black stripes, working tirelessly trying to catch up with his own shadow. You can do it, Justin! But best of all is the conclusive proof that their linesman was a cheating bastard. What in blazes is he raising his flag for? Offside my fat hairy arse.

(Pictured below) Everyone's favourite blue eyed thing, Mark Reeves, gives it the only way he knows how - 'ard!

(Below) Rich Allan has a slight disagreement with their centre forward, while Mike Reid feels a bit rough.

Special thanks to the injured Kristian Hewitt and Lee Fielder in managing the side in gaffer, Pete Lyon's absence. They both admitted that man managing man-child, Bryn Schwodler was one of the toughest things they've ever had to do. When you bear in mind that not only has Lee Fielder been known to be having it away with up to four birds at the same time, the poor bastard's also got fan's favourite, Justin Newman as a boss.

No doubt Pete's having a great time in France romancing the Schwodler's mum.

The Burridge starting XI

RB:Baker (J.Schwodler)
CB:Willsher (c)
LB:Marks aka M.Sanderson
CM:Newman (Reid)
LM:B.Schwodler - pulled it back to 2-1 with a header.
CF:S.Schwodler - booked


Next week: Burridge are away to Durley.

Looking back (bringing back the blog)

I haven't posted here since 2012 – that’s five years of not blogging. The blog is/was about Burridge AFC, the football team I played f...