Sunday, 8 March 2009

Durley 2-1 Burridge AFC

Lost tempers lose games

Saturday 7th March
Kytes Lane, Durley

Kevin Willsher was pissed right off. Burridge hadn't been awarded a penalty kick, and had he a gun handy there's every chance that he would've drawn it from his black Umbro shorts and blown a big hole in the match officials head. As it was he ran towards the referee, yelling at him to, 'open his fucking eyes,' to which the referee responded by pulling a yellow card from his top pocket, showing it to the Burridge defender, who made his way back to his position thinking about .44 Magnums.

Burridge have now clocked up 23 yellow cards this season. With each one carrying an £8 fine, the sum owed by the club to the Southampton football association totals £184, without even taking into consideration the £33 Ryan Jones was docked for his red card dismissal against Comrades. To think he'd only been on the field for ten minutes. Club captain, Kristian Hewitt, followed Willsher into the referee's book for dissent, and although unable to remember exactly what he said, was sure he included the words, 'wanker' and 'cheating bastard.'

Greg Baker had already conceded a penalty when he received his third booking in four weeks, again for dissent. Too often this season Baker's temper has gotten the better of him. It's come to my attention of late that the curtains of his flat are drawn closed, he doesn't return my telephone calls, and they'll be no second date with that girl, leaving one to wonder what inner demons he's wrestling with. Suddenly it all becomes so clear.....(pictured below: Greg Baker during more relaxed times).

She couldn't have been sober. No, it must've been the third glass of dry white wine that convinced her to go back to Baker's flat, but she slipped on those damned stairs, fell back and hit her head on the stone foyer floor. Blood trickled from her ears as he checked her pulse. Not a dicky-bird. Nobody would believe it was an accident, not with that viscous temper of his. But Baker couldn't face doing time. So it was many hours later under the cover of darkness, 4:27am, her body safely despatched off the side of the Itchen bridge that he returned home to bed for a few hours of fitful sleep. Let go, Greg. It wasn't your fault, but your cover has been blown.

We all have our little nuances, Greg. The sound of cutlery banged together sends Bryn Schwodler to his knees begging for mercy, while Lee Fielder would rather roll his car off the M27 than have the volume of his digital stereo set to an odd number, and you dispose of the bodies of women who refuse your sexual advances into the choppy waters of the Itchen River. Hey, don't get short with me, I'm merely seeing it through the crooked eyes of the law. Tell you what, square the £24 tab you owe with club and we'll say no more about it.

The Burridge XI that lost 2-1 to Durley were......

RB:Baker (Reid) yellow carded
CB:K.Hewitt (c )yellow carded
CB:Willsher - yellow carded
CF:Judd (Andrews)
CF:S.Schwodler - scored to pull it back to 2-1

Last word goes to club captain, Kristian Hewitt, in philosophical mood after this latest defeat.

"Referees are just freaks who wanted to play football, but can't."


Jimmy Bastard said...

A humerous and very good commentary on the joys of amateur fitba. Nothing beats the glory days, so hang on to them for as long as you can.

I always used the oul coppercrack handshake on refs who carded me. It was fun watching their faces as they realised exactly what that familiar aroma actually was.

Remind me to tell you about it some time.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Baker is a bounder, but I feel the pain of Mr Jones. I was sent off in the only football match I ever played in. You can read about it here.

The Gaffer said...

Better second half and same old same old putting are chances away when they come along.The pen would have given us at least a draw although Bakes was not on the park @ that stage but Kris assures me he would have scored!!see you all Wed lads

Emerson Marks said...

Jimmy: I've got a good idea what the coppercrack shake involves, but as always would love to hear your experience of it.

GB: I read the account and feel that many Burridge players could learn from your red card experience. Particularly from that priceless line - 'I didn't argue with the referee, it was below my dignity.'

wilts said...

Good summarise as always sandford, and i was very much thinking of guns after my yellow card, but i was thinking more 9mm glock, more discreet. Cant remember the last time i went into the book, next time it will be for a crunching tackle and not for some pathetic lamenting of another weasel ref!!

fields said...

has anyone heard from Greg?? I think he may have done a runner..

Jimmy Bastard said...

The coppercrack handshake.. I'll give you a wee clue reet?

Celtic are famous for their pre-match huddle, but whenever they play the likes of R*****s, you will notice that only 10 men are visible.

The eleventh man is in the middle with his haund doon the back of his breeks greasing his palm with the auld coppercrack paste.

Ever wondered why the Hoops cap'n has a smile on his face when he shakes hands at the off?

savannah said...

ewwwwwww re jimmy's handshake! gawd, i love the way men play sports! xoxo

Emerson Marks said...

Yes indeed, Jimmy. That procedure does ring a bell. Perhaps my lot in the red and white stripes could adopt the same strategy, but seeing as Kelvin Davis is keeper and skipper I'm not sure if he could barge his gloved hand up there where the sun don't shine.

Local League Ref said...

Both those two mouthfuls of abuse SHOULD have been given a red card. if they had been maybe your players would start behaving better. if refs can't apply the laws properly then players will always behave so vilely.

Looking back (bringing back the blog)

I haven't posted here since 2012 – that’s five years of not blogging. The blog is/was about Burridge AFC, the football team I played f...