Monday, 16 March 2009

Burridge 4-2 Redbridge

It was Rich Allan....in the goal mouth...with the claw hammer.

First things first, troops. Sorry that this post is late. Fan's favourite, Justin Newman, has already grilled me for not having it ready Monday morning sharp. As according to him, all I do for a living is go round a mate's house and drink tea. Not so, Justin. Not so.......anyway, let's get on with it...

There was about to be a very serious accident on the M27. My gut struggled to contain what was already a good five minutes overdue from violently evacuating my bowels. Cold beads of sweat had begun emanating about my temples as the needle hit ninety and worse news was still to come. After finally arriving at the changing rooms something was missing. There was no toilet paper. Not a single sheet. I cast my mind back to what former Burridge legend, Scott Burnet, did when faced with similar circumstances several years ago. The red headed university lecturer, forever the pragmatist, pulled a solution from his pocket. It's true what they say, it really does pay to keep your receipts.

(Above) Scott Burnet, he taught Chuck Norris all he knows and then he taught him some more.

(Below) Kenny G - caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.

So no toilet paper and nothing to peg the goal nets into the ground with either. Not until Rich Allan appeared armed with a handful of mastic nozzles and began holding the net into place by banging them into the mud with a steel claw hammer. He would have done well to return the weapon safely to his van. Let me explain – when I drive through Redbridge it's done with the doors locked and at top speeds running through red lights. Redbridge have always carried around with them a reputation for kicking people's heads in. Let it be known that having my skull caved in like a pinata with a claw hammer remains even lower on my priorities than going to the B.I.C with the gaffer to see Kenny G.


(Above) Rich Allan, always ready to get hammered.

I can only presume Lee Fielder was unaware of the weapon that was stashed pitch side when the Redbridge manager threatened to tear his head off. Too late. The damage was already done. Redbridge never did unleash a can of Humpty-Dumpty on Lee Fielder. Not this time. That's because Burridge had this game sewn up. Fan's favourite, Justin Newman, came off the substitute bench to rubber stamp this win by smashing in goal number four with his very first touch of the ball, proving that he really is the special one.

By clicking here you can read me trying to write seriously about football on the Times Online.

The Burridge starting XI that beat Redbridge by 4 goals to 2 in the Gaffer's all new 3-4-3 formation was:

GK:Stanfield
CB:Judd
CB:Wilsher (c)
CB:J.Schwodler (Jones)
LM:Reeves
CM:Allan
CM:My good self
RM:Baker
CF:S.Schwodler (S.Hewitt)
CF:B.Schwodler
CF:Rowe

Booked: Marc Judd - I didn't see a problem, but ref's get uptight when studs are showing these days. Oh, to the old days when a man could take a set of darts to the game, eh?

Scorers: 1-1 - Bryn Schwodler with a well lush volley.
2-1 - Sam Schwodler in his stride.
3-1 - Myself, but I don't like to talk about it.
4-1 - Fan's favourite, Justin Newman with his very first touch.

For all those present at the game on Saturday I'd love your marks out of ten. Rowey, I'd give you 7/10. Thought you were solid, nipper.

Still crocked from injury: Lee Fielder, Paul Andrews and Luke Sanderson.

Next week Burridge face Northend at Trojans.

Have a good week.

18 comments:

Jimmy Bastard said...

What an exciting weekend of fitba extravanganza's. The most spectacular game between two top teams at a major venue. And of course that other kick-about competiton in some back street behind the allotments.

Of course I was at the most obvious choice on the Saturday. Burridge doing the biz against a raggle-taggle Redbridge.

Superb performances all round, and even that young fella with the shite stained arse managed to knock in the 3rd goal.

Cracking result and a much deserved win on the day.

As for the other kick-about behind the allotments... some team called R*****s got lashed by the Celtic!

Gorilla Bananas said...

A pre-match shit is always for performance. Relaxes anal tension and improves movement off the ball. Didn't Martin Peters have a huge dump before the 1966 World Cup final?

wilts said...

Good result boys, needed that win and always good to beat a bunch of numptys like redbridge. Saturdays game sounds a toughy, think they are 3rd in the league, but lets be up for it and turn them over. Now we have someone like Jimmy on our side, the sky's the limit!

Emerson Marks said...

Jimmy: It says something that some Burridge players have taken to worrying about your reaction should we lose. NB Well done to the Celtic.

GB: You must reveal your sources, I'd never gotten wind of Peters' pre game sit down. What with it being a World Cup Final I reckon they were all at it.

Kev Wilts: Let's have more of the same on Saturday. In answer to your other question, CFC Hillyfields went down 1-0 at the Sporty on Sunday morning. I got there a tad late feeling guilty about those secret pints.

scarlet-blue said...

Is Lee okay? Does he need a massage? I come equipped with oils - essential and otherwise.
Sx

The Gaffer said...

Good result against 4th in the league and some quality banter on the line.Should have been more but lets not be too critical seeing we lost 5-0 in the previous meeting also a change of personnal prior to kick-off.Well done lads see you Wednesday.

The Gaffer said...

Forgot to mention if anyone wants to come and see Kenny G with me there is still some tickets available!!!

Jimmy Bastard said...

Look lads, I'm famous for my half-time teams talks reet?
You come in and you'se are winning then all is just dandy.
Come in and you'se are losing, ahm no gonnae be holding out a tray of the oranges or cups of warm pish.

Go in hard, get in tae them fae the start, and most importantly...
remember who you are.

You'se are THE Burridge...

REET?

fields said...

We are the Burridge, the mighty mighty Burridge!!

Tell you what though, lucky Lukey was holding me back. I was gonna do one on their manager, before he amazed me with his unlimited vocabulary that is. Sorry mate, that Redbridge vernacular don't cut it with me, i don't speak c**t.

So who's offering the massage? I'm free on Wednesday evening if you are, 'cos i don't go training anymore!

8/10 for the performance, we stuck at it and gave them a good roasting. 10/10 for Ben Rowes' thunderbolt of a shot that missed the goal but dented the poor persons car situated behind.

Lukey said...

We are the mighty Burridge! Burridge farmer boys who should go and play with our little willys after our heads have been torn off according to that ape of a manager of theirs. Be honest though Lee, you did say let's walk down towards him and wind him up. I didn't think it would be quite as easy as it was! Well done though boys. Nice to see a few goals.

Van Der Sar said...

Now I'm probably showing my age here, but my Dad is a big Kenny G fan. (See there is 2, Gaffer!!) I'm sure one of his "hits" was "We've saved the best to last" - maybe that could be the Burridge anthem for the remainder of the season......??!

Re Saturday, The look on Reeves’ys face (walking behind my goal, having been substituted) after seeing fans favourite Justin score, in Mark’s position, with his first touch, was priceless. I'd give that a high 9/10!!

VDS

Emerson Marks said...

Finally got around to getting your picture on the blog header, Van der. I'll have to dig out that G track on youtube. Or maybe just stick it on the music centre at the Bugle.

Anonymous said...

Firstly i would like to congratulate mark on scoring a goal,this is the second time he has scored on the pitch this season,unfortunatly the last time he scored off the pitch was 2 years ago with some of his team mates watching.
It was a shame we gave away a penalty,to be fair if the ball had hit jay in the face it would have ruined his looks,the ball was travelling at light speed there was no way he could of moved his hand out of the way in time.anyone else would of controlled the ball and put it out to saftey.

Well done to ben rowe for hitting the ball as hard as he could,try and hit the target next time.

A great substitution by the gaffer which changed the game,i wish all the subs were that good.

NO1.fan said...

Good result and even better performance, back 3 looked strong sandy just sitting in front with rich,reeves and baker winning the battle of midfield and bryn ben and sam causing havoc up front and when sam h ,ryan and justin came on they put them selves about and did great.Lets do the same this week !!!!!

Emerson Marks said...

Good to have you back, NO1.fan. Northend this week at Trojans.

wilts said...

Gutted to miss training boys, was otherwise engaged in Portsmouth. Hope it was competitive and look forward to seeing you all saturday and getting another 3 points.

Anonymous said...

F****** WIN TOMORROW BOYS, YOU BETTER NOT LET JIMMY DOWN!!

savannah said...

totally off topic, but...thank you for your kindness and support, sugar! xox

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