It was Rich Allan....in the goal mouth...with the claw hammer.
First things first, troops. Sorry that this post is late. Fan's favourite, Justin Newman, has already grilled me for not having it ready Monday morning sharp. As according to him, all I do for a living is go round a mate's house and drink tea. Not so, Justin. Not so.......anyway, let's get on with it...
There was about to be a very serious accident on the M27. My gut struggled to contain what was already a good five minutes overdue from violently evacuating my bowels. Cold beads of sweat had begun emanating about my temples as the needle hit ninety and worse news was still to come. After finally arriving at the changing rooms something was missing. There was no toilet paper. Not a single sheet. I cast my mind back to what former Burridge legend, Scott Burnet, did when faced with similar circumstances several years ago. The red headed university lecturer, forever the pragmatist, pulled a solution from his pocket. It's true what they say, it really does pay to keep your receipts.
(Above) Scott Burnet, he taught Chuck Norris all he knows and then he taught him some more.
(Below) Kenny G - caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.
So no toilet paper and nothing to peg the goal nets into the ground with either. Not until Rich Allan appeared armed with a handful of mastic nozzles and began holding the net into place by banging them into the mud with a steel claw hammer. He would have done well to return the weapon safely to his van. Let me explain – when I drive through Redbridge it's done with the doors locked and at top speeds running through red lights. Redbridge have always carried around with them a reputation for kicking people's heads in. Let it be known that having my skull caved in like a pinata with a claw hammer remains even lower on my priorities than going to the B.I.C with the gaffer to see Kenny G.
(Above) Rich Allan, always ready to get hammered.
I can only presume Lee Fielder was unaware of the weapon that was stashed pitch side when the Redbridge manager threatened to tear his head off. Too late. The damage was already done. Redbridge never did unleash a can of Humpty-Dumpty on Lee Fielder. Not this time. That's because Burridge had this game sewn up. Fan's favourite, Justin Newman, came off the substitute bench to rubber stamp this win by smashing in goal number four with his very first touch of the ball, proving that he really is the special one.
By clicking here you can read me trying to write seriously about football on the Times Online.
The Burridge starting XI that beat Redbridge by 4 goals to 2 in the Gaffer's all new 3-4-3 formation was:
CM:My good self
Booked: Marc Judd - I didn't see a problem, but ref's get uptight when studs are showing these days. Oh, to the old days when a man could take a set of darts to the game, eh?
Scorers: 1-1 - Bryn Schwodler with a well lush volley.
2-1 - Sam Schwodler in his stride.
3-1 - Myself, but I don't like to talk about it.
4-1 - Fan's favourite, Justin Newman with his very first touch.
For all those present at the game on Saturday I'd love your marks out of ten. Rowey, I'd give you 7/10. Thought you were solid, nipper.
Still crocked from injury: Lee Fielder, Paul Andrews and Luke Sanderson.
Next week Burridge face Northend at Trojans.
Have a good week.