Well I Never........

Mark Sanderson Offers Further Insight Into Why His Performance against Redbridge (according to Justin Newman), Was So Below Par........

After yet another tough week at the sale's desk the last thing I needed was a five-nil whooping at Green Park. I mean, have you any idea of the state of the building market right now? And how's a man supposed to make a living if he's actually got to apply himself anyway? I'll level with you - I wasn't too pleased with my performance on Saturday. Most of efforts were spent chasing the referee, when I thought he’d made a mistake. Which turned out was quite often. Still, not the kind of behaviour a team expects from their captain. There’s no way you’d catch Kristian Hewitt carrying on like that.

I seem to really fly off the handle of late. Take yesterday, some clown had parked their Renault Clio in my designated parking space. I wanted to confront whoever was responsible with a sharp implement and get to work on introducing them to their internal organs. Somehow I managed to keep my cool and leave it at kicking in the Clio's passenger door.

Justin Newman seems to think that my aggression may stem from not having a woman in my life. For a moment I didn't have the foggiest idea what he was driving at. I thought long and hard about women for a moment, seeming to remember some such craze involving their kind way back in say – 1997? Or perhaps 1998? Can’t really remember. I'd assumed the whole women craze had suffered similar fates to hacky-sack and fondue, and that men just weren’t doing that kind of thing anymore. Least I wasn’t.

Turns out that people are still very much into women. After further research I discovered that the whole rumpus wasn’t just a fad at all, and has actually been going on since the dawn of time. Well, it came as quite a surprise I can tell you. I'd just not noticed. These relationships formed by members of the opposing sexes aren't exclusive to the human race either. They're enjoyed by every single living organism.

I suppose I must have been living under a rock all this time for just not realising that every single living creature in the universe is conducting themselves in such a manner. And there I was thinking those pictures of women in those books you get at the petrol station remained there only out of prosperity to a bygone era. No sir, you heard it here first - men and women, despite my previous misinformed opinion, are still having sexual intercourse. Frankly, I can't wait to get in on the action.