HEDGE END 0-1 BURRIDGE AFC

Wednesday 28th March
Norman Rodaway

Burridge entered this game struggling. Several players were held hostage by the M27 with kick off fast approaching, forcing 51 year old Burridge gaffer Pete Lyons to relive his 1980's Follands FC hey-day, without the benefit of shinguards in the centre of a five man midfield. While the sword of Damocles dangles precariously over the head of suspended top goalscorer. He'll have to answer an assault charge after launching a chewing gum missile into the goateed beard of referee Mr Graham, in reaction to being sent off on the 24th March at Stoneham Lane. Rumours of a publicised trim and shampoo of said referee's beard have yet to be substantiated.

Things seemed to be swinging Burridge's way just before half-time when Hedge-End were reduced to ten men when strawberry blond former Burridge centre-half Ben Wilson was unable to resist booting the exposed rear end of former defensive colleague Paul Dyke. Perhaps it was pay back from the six foot four postman for the infamous attention Paul Dyke bestrode upon red haired folk across the land on prime time BBC television earlier in the year.

The scene was now set for an unlikely smash and grab Burridge victory. 31 year old Jamie Hewitt cut inside from the left flank and from thirty yards unleashed a right footed thunderbolt that's trajectory was scarcely halted by threadbare goal netting. Hewitt howled into the evening sun, lost in giddy ecstasy, shimmying away from team-mates who were eager to engulf him in embrace for a spectacular goal that marked a famous win.

3-5-2: S.Schwodler, M.Sanderson, P.Dyke, J.Schwodler, P.Lyons (L.Sanderson), S.Froud, J.Newman, G.Baker, K.Hewitt (P.Andrews), S.Hewitt, J.Hewitt.

Unused (and crocked) sub: B.Rowe

Booked: M.Sanderson, G.Baker, J.Hewitt.

Goal of season: J.Hewitt

BTC 3-2 Burridge AFC

Another game, another melee. Bryn Schwodler was red carded before invitations were exchanged between players to meet later in the car park to carry out various threats, that may or may not have stemmed from dubious refereeing decisions, serving as an unnecessary reminder that football is indeed a very funny game.

It's unsurprising that so many referees come off as a bunch of panto villains - ego high on their agenda, when they kneel at the altar of their heinous deity Graham Poll. A man so conceited that he felt it necessary to upstage the greatest platform in soccer, namely the 2006 FIFA World Cup, by giving a Croatian three yellow cards.

One can only beg the question in solemn prayer - dear Lord, where will it end? But alas there's no answer. Understandably, God's got priorities that don't quite stretch to justice in the Southampton Football League. Someone really ought to have a word in his shell like about time management.

When jumping on this haggard bandwagon, this gravy train with biscuit wheels that continues to isolate and chastise the referee as a separate species, gloriously ignoring the responsibilities of players who perhaps drive them to such states of incomprehension, we have only fuelled Mr Poll's self worth by criticising him in the same breath as God, creator of the universe.

Catapulting Poll into martyrdom and his referee brethren across Blighty into jihad against common sense. Herein lies the problem. It's 2007, we still have no hover-boards and robots don't prepare our meals. Tomorrow's World may have lied to us, but it doesn't have to be this way. The olive branch is extended, Mr Poll and your referee children. Let's stop fighting.

4-4-2: Ben, Luke Sanderson, Mark Sanderson, Paul Dyke, Jay Schwodler, Sam Hewitt, Kristian Hewitt, Justin Newman, Steve Froud (Ben Rowe), Jamie Hewitt, Bryn Schwodler.

Goals: Justin Newman from the spot.
Bryn Schwodler, a cracking left footer.

Yellows: Luke Sanderson
Reds: Bryn Schwodler (after two yellows)

Burridge AFC 0-3 AFC Solent

Long before the lad's mag market stumbled upon brutal air-brushing techniques that could propel any woman to equal stature of Aphrodite, something sinister was allowed to exist. If one casts their eye back to yesterday, jumbled memories of the Joy Of Sex book bring confused images of virulently bearded men whose insistence to adopt various unflattering positions confused our young minds. Justin Newman - a thirty-five year old - like minded young and virile man, has produced two children into this world to testify to the former. But, come Saturday afternoon it appeared he had tired of the touch of woman folk. He'd found something new.

After exchanging petty hacks with each other around the centre circle, Burridge midfielder Newman and his opposite number fell to the deck, in seemingly pre-coital embrace. With Newman laid flat on the grass, clearly aware of his new friend's choice - or perhaps lack of -toothpaste, a horde of players came rushing in like excitable wildlife lovers at the pen of mating pandas.

Of course, the referee failed to see this. Such a claim seemed somewhat wild, but the official was at least consistent with his inability to see little else for the rest of the afternoon, which was at best, a untidy and scrappy game. The only high point for Burridge coming in the form of seventeen year old debutant Sam Hewitt, who put into an energetic and courageous performance. Naturally, Burridge will point to the long list of injured players. But any team is only as strong as their weakest link and on current showing Burridge are just a little short of the mark.

BURRIDGE 2-1 TEST PARK

and (cough, cough) Test Park 4-3 Burridge


Burridge began their double-header fiasco, and....well, they lost. Bryn Schwodler netted, while Greg Baker scored two. One was a little beaut, mind you. He made a very loud cry after doing so too, but enough of that. After seemingly having it in the bag with ten minutes to go - they lost the first game 4-3. Oh well.

Anyway, to the good bit. Where the goodies win, shall we?


Such has been the unforgiving rainfall of this football season, Burridge had to travel to the outer reaches of Stubbington to fulfil a double headed fixture with Test-Park. On first inspection, the playing surface looked fit only for agricultural grazing land, not for footballers of the highest calibre to stroke accurate passes to the nearest given millimetre. Not at all.


One could only feel pity for the lonely set of goal posts, who were held prisoner by rutted grass - their neglect only magnified by the strangulation of the two crossbars from entwined layers of electrical tape. Each colour of adhesive representing the passing of another hour and a half of tedium and long ball mediocrity. But with no other way to attach the net to the quadrilateral necessity of the goal posts, the sorry old white frames would continue to wear snippets of the past while they waited for Saturday once more. The wonderful day when footballers would look upon them with awe as symmetrical rulers of their domain, rather than the cold indifference of the early morning dog walker, who would recognise them only with a turbulent hosing from a four legged friend's bladder.



All the goals came in the first half. Skipper Kristian Hewiit finally rattled the ball home at the far post from close range after Test-Park offered resistance. He ran off in jubilant celebration with both arms outstretched to the sky, evoking powerful images of Gary Lineker in all his Mexico 1986 World Cup pomp.
Test Park equalised with a penalty after Paul Dyke was adjudged to have brought down his marker. But left back Luke Sanderson popped at the far post to thump home from an almost identical position to Hewitt. It was his first goal of the season and enough to give Burridge victory.