The Children Are Beside Themselves With Excitement

Trohyman Cup
Saturday 20th December 2008
Nursling 7-1 Burridge AFC

The children in Burridge are beside themselves with excitement at the prospect of Christmas. Those little scamps have been busy with their crayons, scribbling letters to Santa Claus. Take poor little orphan boy Jonny Simpkins. He wrote to Santa asking for the United Nations to bring an end to the suffering in Zimbabwe, by administering intravenous rehydration to those with cholera, whilst simultaneously implementing new sanitation practises to prevent any further outbreaks. Although when pressed further, Jonny confessed that above all else he would like a decent Burridge performance, that and maybe a set of foster parents.

Carers at the orphanage say they play an important role in managing the children’s expectations, no matter how unrealistic they are. Jonny loves being told bedtime stories, his favourite’s the one about the energetic Burridge side who play as a cohesive unit and sometimes even win football matches. It doesn’t matter if the stories are far fetched, like the one where Burridge, equipped only with a new brand of total football, go and help rebuild the tattered infrastructure in Sudanese capital of Darfur; to the preposterous, where Burridge work effectively for ninety minutes and keep a clean sheet. Such is the imagination of a four and a half year old the stories become real.

He always makes me do the voices of the various characters, particularly Sam Schwodler. Now apart from asking what bastard means, all Jonny can think about is Christmas. Perhaps he oughtn’t worry about the plight of the Zimbabwean people, as President Mugabe, who’s a grown-up, says the cholera situation has now been arrested. Elsewhere some Burridge players brushed aside their 7-1 defeat away to Nursling, denying that it reflected on their current league position three points off the relegation zone.

Players Begin Questioning Just How Empty and Meaningless Their Lives Really Are

Having had their Trophyman cup fixture with Premier Division Nursling postponed because of a waterlogged pitch, Burridge may not play again in 2008. Having only completed a meagre three games since the 25th of October, the squad have been left with much time on their hands, leading some players to come to terms with just how empty and meaningless their lives really are.

One such player, who wished to remain anonymous, said of his Saturdays without football, “I try drumming up some enthusiasm to do something, maybe sort out the bed linen in the airing cupboard, or take the rubbish out, but I just feel numb.” Before going onto say that, ”it’s just so difficult to see a future that doesn’t involve lying on the couch eating non perishable snacks, and watching Gillette Soccer Saturday in its entirety.”

Experts say that the numbing sensation many players are experiencing is the result of a sudden realisation that their lives haven't really ammounted to anything. Blame mainly apportioned to the lack of career progression at the work place and a loss of understanding in relationships. Some sad gits aren't even in a relationship. Many players confessed to feeling completely lost without football, saying that it was only when carelessly giving away possession on the halfway line that they felt truly alive. The overwhelming consensus being that the sooner players get back to forcibly disagreeing with linesmen’s decisions the better.

With only the slightest drop of rain likely to lead to further postponements it‘s difficult to imagine Burridge kicking a ball in anger before the New Year. “It’s the not knowing when the next needless spat with an opposing full-back is coming that really gets you down,” continued anonymous. Support centres have been set up across the country in pubs to help men adjust to life not playing football. There they can watch games on large projector screens. Some cases have been reported to be so lost that they’d even sit through Championship matches, an untenable idea to anyone who isn’t very ill.

“Once I’ve had five or six pints the world seems like such a better place,” said another who wished to remain anonymous, “The world is full of possibilities. Indian, Chinese, maybe even Thai take away if I really feel like pushing the boat out.” And while there seems to be no short term solution to the problem, one can take example from one man who has found life after football. After being forced to retire from the game due to increased demands on maintaining his Facebook page, Lee Fielder now spends his Saturdays with whichever girl he’s currently telling he loves. Proof that twenty-nine year old men who still live with their mums don’t have to resign themselves to a life of playing World of Warcraft.

It's Time For......Chariots Of Fury

Okay Guys, You Can Stop With The Act Now

Saturday 6th December 2008
Hythe Aztecs 3-2 Burridge AFC

Nobody’s got their head around what Burridge are up to right now. Hythe Aztecs certainly didn’t. The look on their faces after Burridge’s first half performance said it all. They couldn’t believe how little they’d had to do to go three-nil up against the very team the Southampton Sport’s Echo had tipped for a second place finish in the Senior Division of the Drew Smith Group Southampton League. Never for one minute had they reason to suspect that Burridge had meant for this to happen. We can all sit back consolidating on years of playing experience, by going on a long unbeaten run that culminates in an inevitable promotion, but that’s been done to death by so many other teams in recent years it’s become totally passé. People are tired of that old shtick, they want to see something new and that’s just what Burridge are doing.

Their league position three points off the relegation zone is thanks to an unswerving commitment in maintaining the discipline to perform well below an acceptable standard, and not, as many might have you believe, because they can’t hack it at this level. Apart from a slight hiccup at Michelmersh, where they accidentally banged in six, Burridge have stuck to their guns with dogged determination. It’s not easy to look as though you can’t string three consecutive passes together. Not just for one game either, but for a period of weeks. Can you imagine how the Redbridge’s and Comrades of this world will feel when Burridge decide the time’s right to turn on the style and take this league by storm? That’s right, pretty duped. You can’t accuse Burridge of lacking a sense of humour. Although if you’d played them over the last few months you may do just that, what with the incessant on field bitching. What I’d say to that is, wake up people, it only adds to the realism and the excitement when Burridge start mounting their promotion bid, just like they’re supposed to.

Scorers:
1-3 Marc Judd
2-3 Kristian Hewitt(p)