Players Begin Questioning Just How Empty and Meaningless Their Lives Really Are

Having had their Trophyman cup fixture with Premier Division Nursling postponed because of a waterlogged pitch, Burridge may not play again in 2008. Having only completed a meagre three games since the 25th of October, the squad have been left with much time on their hands, leading some players to come to terms with just how empty and meaningless their lives really are.

One such player, who wished to remain anonymous, said of his Saturdays without football, “I try drumming up some enthusiasm to do something, maybe sort out the bed linen in the airing cupboard, or take the rubbish out, but I just feel numb.” Before going onto say that, ”it’s just so difficult to see a future that doesn’t involve lying on the couch eating non perishable snacks, and watching Gillette Soccer Saturday in its entirety.”

Experts say that the numbing sensation many players are experiencing is the result of a sudden realisation that their lives haven't really ammounted to anything. Blame mainly apportioned to the lack of career progression at the work place and a loss of understanding in relationships. Some sad gits aren't even in a relationship. Many players confessed to feeling completely lost without football, saying that it was only when carelessly giving away possession on the halfway line that they felt truly alive. The overwhelming consensus being that the sooner players get back to forcibly disagreeing with linesmen’s decisions the better.

With only the slightest drop of rain likely to lead to further postponements it‘s difficult to imagine Burridge kicking a ball in anger before the New Year. “It’s the not knowing when the next needless spat with an opposing full-back is coming that really gets you down,” continued anonymous. Support centres have been set up across the country in pubs to help men adjust to life not playing football. There they can watch games on large projector screens. Some cases have been reported to be so lost that they’d even sit through Championship matches, an untenable idea to anyone who isn’t very ill.

“Once I’ve had five or six pints the world seems like such a better place,” said another who wished to remain anonymous, “The world is full of possibilities. Indian, Chinese, maybe even Thai take away if I really feel like pushing the boat out.” And while there seems to be no short term solution to the problem, one can take example from one man who has found life after football. After being forced to retire from the game due to increased demands on maintaining his Facebook page, Lee Fielder now spends his Saturdays with whichever girl he’s currently telling he loves. Proof that twenty-nine year old men who still live with their mums don’t have to resign themselves to a life of playing World of Warcraft.