THE BOATS ARE OUT, LADS

It's only been two minutes in at his return to Newcastle United and already Kevin Keegan's being rubbished as tactically naive. It's as though the tabloids have expected him to've been attending seminars with Howard Wilkinson during his 3 year footballing exile. If so, he'd no doubt be resitting his exams after failing on the last module - How to hold a 12 point lead at the top of the Premiership.


Pictured: Brian Ferry - not available for cross Channel cruises to France

Keegan wouldn't have to worry about being left alone in remedial class though. Alongside him would be good old Steve McLaren who failed on - How to fulfill the basic requirement. Also a module that Brian Barwick re-took, after looking for answers all around the world, it turned out the answer was quite simple - don't employ Steve McLaren.

The papers have now got whiff of undisclosed source telling tales of Keegan's wafer thin team talk at the Emirates. "Just be better than them," is what Keegan was reported to have told his players before their three-nil defeat to Arsenal.

Such inspirational pre-match speech takes me back. No, not to Agincourt, but to Henry Cort Community school. When Buridge played on Sunday afternoons in the Meon Valley League. Back then Steve Whitfield was in charge, and when Burridge faced the might of title holders Fareham, Whitfield knew his Burridge children needed rousing words.

"Lads, I think we've a chance," he said. "The boats are out. Alot of their players will be missing."

This wasn't code for a secret formation. His whole theory on winning was based on a lose assumption that some of the opposition may have worked for P&O ferries (other ferry companies available).

Whitfield inspired Burridge to a 6-4 win.

As yet, Keegan hasn't won for Newcastle.