AFC HOP 0 - 1 BURRIDGE AFC

Saturday 27th January 2007
Cutbush Lane

Burridge earned victory at AFC Hop in only their fourth game in twelve weeks, during a season that has so far been interrupted by heavy rain. Any pre-match nerves were evaporated by Burridge left sided midfielder – Greg Baker; who among the locker room’s stink of liniment, successfully deployed a P.E.D, a Performance Enhancing Distraction to give it its full name. It was Connecticut’s Roger Sperry, winner of 1981’s Nobel Peace Prize for his experimentation on the two sides of the brain, who led us to such terminology. The P.E.D occupies the attention of the left hemisphere of the brain, whereupon analytical functions are located, often responsible for deposits of anxiety, self doubt and all the other negative aspects that can choke a sportsperson’s performance. Just ask Tim Henman.

During 2001’s Wimbledon semi-final, his wild card Croat opponent Goran Invanisevic appeared to be staring defeat in the face, before anxiety overwhelmed Henman. Leaving his forehand as powerful as the timid flicks of a butterfly catcher’s net in pursuit of an aglais urticae. If only Greg Rusedski was on hand to offer Tim his anecdote on Pete Sampras and his inherent fear of dessert spoons. Greg Baker was far more proactive. In a moment of selflessness, he disclosed his much closeted pre-date bathroom grooming ritual, guaranteed to provide longevity to a new relationship. Such was the weight of this revelation, Burridge players and the left hemisphere’s of their brains, were simply unable to manifest doubt. So despite being held back in their own half for much of the first period of the game, Burridge found strength, quite possibly by boring their opponents into submission. Second half substitute Lee Fielder raced onto a through ball and neatly lobbed the ball over the out coming goalkeeper’s clutches for the only goal of the game.

3-4-3: Ben, P.Dyke, J.Schwodler, M.Sanderson, J.Newman (L.Sanderson), G.Baker, J.Hewitt, K.Hewitt (M.Reeves), B.Rowe (L.Fielder), B.Hutton, B.Schwodler Unused sub: M.Birks

Scorer: L.Fielder
Booked: P.Dyke

Someone's Popular: The 19 Yellow Cards

(Pictured left: Luke Sanderson denies Bryn's birthday was rubbish)








Hello again and thank heavens for Dykey's spat with the BBC. It kept us all entertained, after yet another week without football due to the wet weather.

So far, Burridge have racked up 19 yellow cards and 1 red. (That's you Mr K.Hewitt.) Only Justin Newman has coughed up the £8 booking fee. Actually, the list doesn't make pretty reading. In fact it makes us look like a right bunch of dirty bastards, rather than the choirboys we really are. But, I commend the team for their excellent discipline in the new year. No bookings so far in 2007.

Greg Baker - yellow cards on:
1. 16/12/06 versus BTC
2. 23/12/06 versus Bishopstoke

Matt Birks - yellow cards on:
1. 02/09/06 versus AFC Target
2. 23/09/06 versus Capital

Paul Dyke - yellow card on:
1. 16/12/06 versus BTC

Jaimie Hewitt - yellow card on:
1. 23/12/06 versus Bishopstoke

Kristian Hewitt - two yellows made red on:
1. 23/12/06 versus Bishopstoke

Ben Hutton - yellow card on:
1. 14/10/06 versus Spartans

Mark Reeves - yellow card on:
1. 21/10/06 versus VTFC res

Luke Sanderson - yellow card on:
1. 23/12/06 versus Bishopstoke

Mark Sanderson - yellow cards on:
1. 02/09/06 versus AFC Target
2. 14/10/06 versus Spartans
3. 21/10/06 versus VTFC
4. 23/12/06 versus Bishopstoke

Bryn Schwodler - yellow card on:
1. 02/09/06 versus AFC Target

Jay Schwodler - yellow card on:
1. 23/12/06 versus Bishopstoke

Sam Schwodler - yellow card on:
1. 23/09/06 versus Capital

Ginger Gate

What about that Paul Dyke, eh? He's now become something of a local celebrity, has he not? For those of you not in the know, and if so, where have you been? Living under a rock? It's the biggest thing since....since Richard Nixon's impeachment. Those of you who attended the game with Bishopstoke at the aptly named Bishopstoke Rec will remember Saturday 23rd December 2006; the day of Ginger-Gate.

I suggest the uninitiated see the last match report: in a nutshell, Burridge centre back Paul Dyke was told "Oi, shut up ginger," by the ref. Now the Echo, The People, The News & Screws, and even the flaming Telegraph are all other this item friends. All over it. It's like Terry Waite in Beirut, just more relevant.

I, Mark Sanderson - the coffee induced claws behind 90 minutes of sheer Burridge - and also the agent of Paul Dyke can be contacted on 01489 776659 to arrange exclusive interviews with the man of the moment, who I think you'll agree has suffered quite enough. PS Channel Five, forget it. This is big boy shit, I 'll speak to the Kaplinsky on the Beeb or Sky, no one else. In the meantime I've penned some words that go along to the tune of Dad's Army. I call it: (Don't break) My Ginger Heart.

Who do you think you are calling Dykey ginger?
Do you think that's very fun?
He is the boy who will do your tax returns
He is the boy who moans at refs but never learns
So, who do you think you are calling Dykey ginger?
I'm a bald ref who can't speak proper, son.

It was in the local news
On Dykey's character it's a slur.
Now it has gone national
And its racism that's been inferred.

So, who do you think you are calling Dykey ginger?
The P.C. lawyers can see a tidy sum.
Will the ref do ten years for his viscous racial attack?
Or will he send us all off in his next game when he's back?
So, who do you think you are calling Dykey ginger?
I'm a bald ref with a speech impediment, son.