Three Cheat Death At Stag Party

Venue: Carling Academy Islington
Date: Friday 29th August, 11pm onwards....

Members of Scott Burnet’s stag party narrowly avoided death during the early hours of Saturday morning, reports an unnamed source. After spending a thoroughly enjoyable evening losing money at Wimbledon Dog Track, they made their way to the Carling Academy in Islington. Anticipation had been building slowly during the three hour tube journey and once they arrived they used their pre-booked tickets to jump to the front of the queue. It was at this point they realised that they’d been duped.

The Carling Academy was not in fact a nightclub at all, but a closet masquerading as a nightclub. Once trapped inside the temperatures began soaring high above acceptable nightclub temperatures. Many of the party, now fully aware that their last hours would be spent in a confined space in extreme temperatures exposed to Bluetones songs that weren’t even on the first LP, took steps to make their end more bearable. Using all their might to get to the bar they were faced with bar staff who were too weak to perform their duties, only able to supply cans of Carling.


Kristian Hewitt was the first to escape. His polo shirt had been reduced to a wet rag soaked in his own stale sweat. Others soon followed, completely overwhelmed and in a state of shock. Lee Fielder, Kevin Willsher and Luke Sanderson remained inside. The escapees agreed that it was far to dangerous to form a search party for them and after a few minutes of painful deliberation they owned up to the awful truth. That they had perished, not being able to survive anymore exposure to the Shine Volume One compilation album that the DJ was playing.

Results from the opening weekend of Southampton League fixtures:

Hythe Aztecs 8-0 Wellow
AFC Redbridge 1-2 Mich & Tims
Immar 2-3 Durley
Hop 4-0 Netley