Terminal trouser

Well, that's just about torn it. The crotch in my trouser has all but perished. To think I handed my £14.99 over the counter of H&M all those years ago in good faith for these cheap imitation combat pants. At a rough estimate I'd say I've got four weeks wear left in them before my old chum, trouser mouse, is exposed to the world.

But still the rumours persist among the tittle tattle of the Burridge locker room.

'Is he pocketing all the money he collects from us for himself?'

If the state of my crotch hasn't already made it clear, allow me this opportunity to inform you that some people are still out there doing things out of the goodness of their own hearts, without the promise of any financial or sexual reward. Although don't get me wrong. I'm not one of those stuffy types who's going to get all high and mighty about it if someone wants to blow me.

Just because I'm busy providing loyal service to Burridge, the club I've represented for 12 years by collecting £3 from every player for Wednesday's training session at Wildern school, £5 from everyone who plays on a Saturday afternoon, and £8 from anybody who receives a yellow card, in order to pay the club's bills, doesn't mean I'm too big for my boots about receiving a blow job from errant strangers outside public toilets, okay?

It's regrettable that we've had to wait until the crotch of my trouser has been worn down to the thickness of a Rizla paper before making this public knowledge, but there you go.

Just glad we've had the chance to clear this up.

Nice Plimmys

Greg Baker's size elevens trainers have been sitting in my flat for a week now.

I've tried to do the neighbourly thing by walking across the hallway to return them. Can't say I was surprised when he didn't answer the door. I tried to deliver them through the letterbox, but the ruddy things got stuck. They're those light weight Asics ones. Very nice runners in my book and I'd wear them myself if they weren't three sizes too big.

I worry for their future, I really do. I've already got my hands full with two pairs of Adidas.

Now I'm not one to pass judgement, far from it, but my concern is that he's no longer interested in those trainers. He's abandoned them for a passing fad. Blinded by fashion he's taken to wearing those trendy white plimsolls. You know, the ones you'd have been mortified to wear for P.E. at school.

In my day a man wore his trainers 'til they were no more. Not run off with a pair that you're clearly not suited to. Sign of the times I suppose, but whose going to look after those nice Asics now they're with all the other tat at the household waste recycling centre?

Exactly.

Barry Smith

Barry Smith played up front for Burridge AFC between 1997 and 2001.

Barry Smith banged in 77 goals in those 4 seasons.

Barry Smith forged a deadly goalscoring partnership with Matt Whitfield.

Barry Smith openly admitted that Erasure were his favourite band in 1993.

Barry Smith struck fear into the hearts of Meon Valley League defences.

Barry Smith cried after being knocked out in the first round of World Cup singles in 1992 at Botley rec.

Barry Smith got a smack in the chops from a White Hart player at Wicker Rec in 1999.

Barry Smith joined the army because he was really cheesed off with working in customer services jobs.

Barry Smith threw his tennis racket down on the ground & shouted 'Jesus,' 37 times in 20 minutes whilst playing Phil Wiseman at the concrete courts at Botley rec.

Barry Smith asked for meat when being offered lamb or beef at the Dolphin in 1999.

Barry Smith got asked back by Rich Allan & Kristian Hewitt when they were drunk in 2003.

Barry Smith was spotted recently filing up his car at the petrol station in Hill Lane.

Barry Smith was seen at this petrol station with bairns in the back seat of his car.

Barry Smith hasn't been since anywhere else since.

Burridge 0-0 Hythe Aztecs

Sitting ducks

It says something about a game of football, when one of the eight spectators, who happens to be Paul Dyke, starts going on about how he was very much looking forward to eating sauteed potatoes for tea. So maybe it was the weather, rather than the football, that was responsible for today's bumper crowd.

We must remember that people don't mean to make tits of themselves. Otherwise Jay Schwodler would've remembered his boots. We win and lose as a team. That is why this lovely picture is dedicated to Mike Reid and Bryn Schwodler. It's a sitting duck.

Justin Newman fans had to wait until the pub before witnessing his greatest contribution to the afternoon. He always springs to life when skirt is involved.

Jenni, the barmaid at the Bugle, was quite happy to tell him that it didn't matter whether or not she was wearing her tongue piercing, she's still 'amazing' at munching off. Cor Blimey! I had to have a bit of a sit down after that and try not to think of that funny dream I had about Alisha Dixon's lady garden the other night.

Fix! This week's scratch card winner was gaffer, Pete Lyons with Blackburn Rovers.

Your marks out of ten please for the Burridge line-up at Meadowside Leisure Centre:

GK: Sam Schwodler
RB: Greg Baker (Yellow card - late tackle)
CB: Kristian Hewitt (c)
CB: Kev Willsher
LB: Marc Judd
RM: Mike Reid, (Rich Allan)
CM: Mark Reeves
CM: Justin Newman
LM: Bryn Schwodler
CF: Ben Rowe
CF: Sam Hewitt
----------------------------
Substitutes:
Rich Allan
Jay Schwodler
Mark Sanderson

Wellow 1-3 Burridge AFC

Saturday 14th February 2009
Venue: Hatches Farm, Romsey Road, Wellow

4 games into 2009 and still unbeaten.

Back to back wins for the first time since the opening two games of the season and another appearance from that numpty referee who looks like Christopher Biggins.

On the scoresheet this week was:

1-0 Sam Hewitt. Well done Sammy, you know you've made it when you're level with Reevesy in the goal scoring charts.

2-0 Greg Baker(p) from the penalty spot.

3-0 Greg Baker(p) and again, but this time he gives the keeper the finger.



Here's a round up of our results in 08/09

4-1 v Inmar - Allan 2, Baker, Jones
1-1 v AFC Hop - Judd
4-1 v Comrades Reserves - Allan, S.Schwodler, Baker(p), own goal
2-3 v Hythe Aztecs - K.Hewitt(p), Judd
0-1 v Hythe & Dibden Reserves
1-4 Comrades Reserves - Sam Schwodler
2-3 v Comrades First XI (C) - S & B Schwodler,
6-1 V M&T - K.Hewitt, Allan, Judd, Reeves, M.Sanderson, S.Schwodler
1-3 v Mottisfont(C) - Judd
0-5 v Redbridge
3-0 v AFC Hop - Fielder, BSchwodler, og
3-1 v Wellow - B.Schwodler, Allan, Baker


You can read this week's Burridge feature on The Times Online by double clicking on their logo towards the top right of this page. This week we speak to the Englishman who doesn't miss penalties. For those still unsure of his identity I've left you a clue. I know, it's only a small one.

Burridge Too Strong For Inmar

Burridge 4-1 Inmar
Saturday 31st January 2009
Fleming Park

Paul Andrews had vowed to never do it again. There he was though, patrolling the touchline once more, a linesman's flag held firmly behind his back in a gloved right hand. "The way I see it," he said. "You've got six and a half other days in the week to sit around eating biscuits and drinking tea." To the 29 year old plumber, Saturday is football day and he pulls no punches when explaining what goes through the mind of a substitute given the short straw of linesman duties: "Honestly?" Asked the man whose back injury has prevented him from playing much football over the last three years. "That somebody gets injured. Not badly, just cramp or something." He finished last season on a high, coming off the bench to tap in the seventh goal against Comrades Reserves. Burridge had been missing chances like that all season. It was Andrews first and only goal of 2007/08.

The attendance for the 31st January's Southampton League fixture with Inmar was made up of Burridge centre-half, Kevin Willsher's Dad, whose high visibility bomber jacket remained the highlight of the first half. Other than the four corner flags, that required a ten pound deposit, pitch five of Fleming Park Leisure Centre's only other feature comes courtesy of many dog's bottoms. Ten long minutes passed before Andrews' flag was called into action. He's worn that pair of World Cups for as long as anyone can remember, and reaching down to tie the laces of those size elevens isn't for those with a disposition to heights. He'd yet to fasten the back support around his waist when noticing only twelve others getting kitted up amongst the laughter of the dressing room. Burridge manager, Pete Lyons, hoped to give him a run out. “It can be frustrating when you do come on,” explained Paul, who has been reduced to a series of ten or fifteen minute cameo appearances. “You want the ball. You want to do stuff.”

Andrews caused quite a stir in 2005, by saying he was only interested as playing as a striker. That coming after eight steady years holding down the right back slot. What was he thinking? The 2005/06 season wasn't a good one for Burridge. Colin Barfoot called it a day as manager a week after Christmas and fielding eleven players became increasingly difficult. They had to wait 'til the 15th October for their first win of the season. Andrews tapped home the winner that day. He added eight more goals during the season. Nobody scored more and Burridge just about avoided relegation. His back's not been right since. It was his girlfriend who suggested Pilates, but Paul wasn't sure about going. He always thought it'd be filled with old women. Then his cousin, a decent cricketer, suffered a similar back problem to which Peter Moores suggested Pilates as the best treatment for it. That was good enough for Andrews. He now joins his girlfriend, Kate, at a class on Tuesday evenings at Wildern school.

The place looks different to the one he and four other team-mates left fourteen years ago. "Other than her it is full of old women," he said. "But you still get a bead (of sweat) on." Sometimes his back plays up at work. The same couldn't be said of his ears. The floorboards he ripped up are being replaced by a couple of chippies who are working with him. "I've never heard so much crap in all my life," said Andrews, reacting to their back to back playing of Michael Jackson's 'Earth Song,' that reverberates around the kitchen from the tiny speakers of an iPod docking bay. He'd prefer Capital Gold. Inmar were looking down the barrel of a gun having already conceded four goals to Burridge. There were fifteen minutes left when Paul was put on as substitute. The game was over as a contest, but he still wanted the ball. He didn't see much of it. Leaving the club isn't on the agenda though. Twelve years with one club is too long to just walk away from.

Goals:
2 for Rich Allan.
2 cracker-jackers from Ryan-Jonesy-Jones & Greg Baker.

Paul Andrews

Picture Taken September 11th 2005, Osborne Road, Warsash, where Burridge drew 1-1 with Spinnaker in Sunday Afternoon Meon Valley League.