Sunday, 17 May 2009

Lessons in life

If at all possible try and avoid being tossed off in front of your mate's dad

I got a parking ticket on Friday for leaving the motor on a single yellow line. It was 8:08am and I was bang to rights so I stumped up the £35 fine when it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't done anything stupid for a quite a long while, whereas I used to have a habit of doing stupid things all the time.

Slip of the tongue

I really hadn't planned on being sick on her. Drinking a pint of what tasted to me like Domestos wasn't on my schedule either, but the bar at Schooners was chocka with sausage and I didn't have time to stand around waiting another 20 minutes to be served something that wouldn't be better suited to cleaning toilets, and seeing it was nearly closing time anyway, I drank the bleach. Unsurprisingly, it tasted disgusting. I went over to the foyer, handed the girl at the counter the ticket stub in return for my sheepskin, opened my mouth to thank her, but instead of words, sick came out. Quite a lot of it. Most of it all over her.

Birthday suit

AC Delco were a fine football club to play for. It was with a sense of pride that I pulled on their green and white hooped jersey. So how will I be remembered by the club? For a fine glancing header that put Delcos a goal up against Fleetlands? Or maybe for a swashbuckling performance in a satisfying win over Co-op Sports, down in
darkest enemy country? The answer is neither of those things. AC Delco remember me for one night. One of those dubious fund raising nights when they invite a couple of strippers who behaved like they're on the set of Caligula.

I can't remember how I got caught up in it all. I've just got one of those faces I suppose. Once my clothes went missing and my view of the clubhouse ceiling was replaced by a pair of bare arse cheeks, I knew I was in a spot of bother. For all intensive purposes what the two of them were using on each other was a dildo. The 7:27 to Clapham junction would be a more accurate description. Thankfully, their inflation device failed to stir my old chap. If there's one thing I know it's that if you're given a hand job by some stripper in the club house in front of your mates and their dads, no good will come of it.

Warm waters

Travel gives a man a chance to broaden their horizons, experience new cultures, and understand a different people. Or you can just piss around and get drunk every night like I did in Honduras. Scuba Diving didn't appeal to me, but then anything that required any more responsibility than breathing didn't appeal to much either. Plus I didn't want sharks to bite chunks out of my face. But seeing as I'd come all this way I thought I ought to try something new. Which means a girl bullied me into it by being nice looking.

After several fairly unsuccessful practise dives, we returned to the surface. I'd drunk a significant amount of rum the night before and by now it needed to escape. This girl was struggling and like the decent bloke I am, I helped her to the boat. By this point I could hold it no more and as I held her steady at the boat's hull, released a long hot golden stream over her wet suit. Which shows you shouldn't always blame the Gulf Stream for a warmer Atlantic.


Lulu LaBonne said...

Were you worried that the Schooners would run out of 'sausage'? - is sausage good or bad?

I feel out of touch..

Lulu LaBonne said...

This post will be cheering me up all day (probably all week actually) - Cheers

Emerson Marks said...

Bars never run out of sausage, Lulu.

'Sausage' or 'Sausage Fest' is slang for large groups of men. Especially prevalent in rubbish nightclubs.

A friend might turn to me and say, "Let's go somewhere else, it's a bloody sausage fest in here.'

As in a very high proportion of men.

Lulu LaBonne said...

Your blog's brilliant ... A laugh, and an education... in this language, what's a place full of women called (I almost daren't ask)

savannah said...

THIS made me laugh, sugar! thank you i soooooo needed this today! (by the by, i am anxiously waiting the answer to lulu's question!) xoxoxo

Gorilla Bananas said...

I don't know why those strippers tried to give you handjob, that's just asking for a let down. They should have just sat on your face.

Emerson Marks said...

Evening ladies,

Now listen here, as one of the more shy retiring types at Burridge, I wouldn't refer to a group of ladies as anything other than a group of ladies.

As for some of the other lads - well, trust me, you don't wawant to know and I couldn't say without getting a right deserved ear-bashing from the pair of you.

But if you get those thinking caps on I'm sure you can imagine.

Emerson Marks said...

Gorilla, didn't see you there. That makes two monkeys at a keyboard simultaneously.

Listen pal, I like to straight to the nuts and bolts of it all...........(hold on, some wanker's beeping his bloody horn outside. Honestly, this neighbourhood's gone to the bloody dogs). Where was I? Oh, yes – trust me, it wasn't chocolate boxes and roses, I wasn't in the mood for requests.

My main concern was shooting my load in front of my friends and their dad's. Luckily, I didn't, and avoided being resigned to the history books of AC Delco as that bloke who got tossed off at the club.

Instead I became that bloke who couldn't get it up.

Sometimes you've just got to hold your hands up and admit defeat.

PS What did you make of 'Planet of the Apes?'

wilts said...

i remember being a witness on two of those occasions and still can't decide on which one was more embarassing. The Schooners episode was priceless though, especially remembering the reaction of the poor women who you soaked in your own bile!

Scarlet-Blue said...

Oh come now, Emerson... a bar full of ladies is a fanny fest... well somebody had to say it...

Candy's daily Dandy said...

As we say in the states, bad.

Glad you came over to my place.

Fields said...

We don't really get those 'fanny fests' in Southampton do we? But I really want to go to one now that it's been mentioned!

Mark, how about the time you were away on your own and you missed your flight home because of the broken promise of getting your leg over with a lady?? That's gotta be up there aint it?

Heff said...

You had me at "sausage fest", lol !

Emerson Marks said...

Scarlet - I've heard some lads use far corser (spelling?) language than that.

Candy - welcome to Burridge.

Lee Fielder - it never got up there.

Heff - I know a man of your taste wouldn't have hung around if only sausage were available.

Lukey said...

Isn't 'clunge' the word to use for women? You know, "You should have come to the pub, it was full of clunge"

Scarlet-Blue said...

It is what it sounds like. Weirdly.

Looking back (bringing back the blog)

I haven't posted here since 2012 – that’s five years of not blogging. The blog is/was about Burridge AFC, the football team I played f...