Friday, 1 May 2009

Make sure you always read the label

And why it tends to pay to wear some form of underwear to work

If at all possible in life you should try to avoid exposing your penis at work. It's certainly a guideline that I had intended on following. Making a nice cup of early morning tea was much higher up on my agenda, but the itch downstairs wouldn't go away without giving it a good old scratch. It was at that precise moment I felt something unusual. Something was missing and that something was trousers.

The suit label said that both the blazer and the trousers were machine washable, just not at a 90 degree wash. Which is a bit like rinsing your granny's dentures with a fireman's hose, when they're still in her mouth. Something had to give, and in this case it was the crotch of my trouser, which had pretty much perished. I went to the shops that night and bought some smart new work clothes, including a suit.

This was partly to convince both myself and my boss that I had what it took to do the sales job I wasn't selling anything in, but mainly to my keep my trouser-mouse safe from harm. The suit I bought that night has worn particularly well in comparison to the old one. The 36 inch chest blazer fits beautifully, and the 31 inch inside leg trousers are nothing if not extremely comfortable.

This is no real indicator that you're better of buying a suit from Moss Bros than Marks and Spark's. Nor is it anything to do with the weaved fabric of the 44% woollen trousers. The real reason that my current suit has worn so well is that I only got to wear it about 16 times before I suddenly and unexpectedly 'resigned' from my position. When I say resigned I mean sacked. My current employers don't require me to wear a shirt and tie, but this Sunday is Rich 'Chinese-Monkey' Allan's wedding, and I'm invited. So I'll get the chance to wear that suit once more.

Above in the blue and black stripes, yours truly and Rich Allan. Picture courtesy of Tuesday October 7th 2003's edition of the Southern Daily Echo.

Wedding etiquette question

1.Jay Schwodler is Rich Allan's best man and by the time he gets to his speech plenty of drink will've been taken by everybody. Jay is a quiet man, and I fear he may receive a far amount of heckling from the crowd.

Should I:

A) Join in the heckling – the stupid bastard deserves it.
B)Try and stop the hecklers – it may have an affect on impressionable girls who might be fooled into thinking that I have some sort of leadership quality.
or C)Let them get on with it.

20 comments:

Ponita in Real Life said...

C) Let them get on with it... see how he reacts, and if he's game, join in!

Trouser mouse... that's cute... ;-)

Scarlet-Blue said...

None of them. Find an impressionable young girl and ask her to check your trouser mouse.
Sx

Madame DeFarge said...

Impressed that you worked your way through the crotch...

I'd help Jay with the speech and give him some good put down lines for the hecklers. It's a two-sided game that's only fun when the sides are equally balanced. Expect reports of the wedding excitments.

Gorilla Bananas said...

You could try flashing as a diversionary tactic. Subconsciously you need people to see it. It's a cry for approval.

wilts said...

Join in the heckling i say, let the bastard stew!

wilts said...

seriously though, we all hope Jay manages to pull through!

savannah said...

i'm with mme deF on this one, sugar...actually, on both points. good luck with the activities! xoxoxox ;)

Lulu LaBonne said...

Was it really the washing that perished your trouser crotch Emz?

I'm with GB - when the heckling starts flash the mouse.

Fields said...

Well, I'm going to start the heckling, so I think it should definitely be (A)

Emerson Marks said...

Morning all,

Hello Ponita, yes I was thinking C. Many of the Burridge players could be described as a bunch of C's!

Scarlet - as always your 'input' is appreciated, I'm just not sure the judge will swallow that sort of story.

Madame - prep up some put down for teh best man to dish out? Good thinking. Although I'm not sure if it's in the best man's locker to dish these out with the necessary gusto.

Gozza - you're suggesting I partake in a spot of wind-milling to take the heat off the best man? Very 'out the box,' I like it.

Emerson Marks said...

Wilts - I think this could be Jay's biggest challenge. He'll be facing a drunk crowd, some of whom will be wanting blood.

Hello Savy, I'll let you know how Sunday goes.

LL: It was the washing machine. I had one or two dubious stains on the old strides, so I thought I'd wash them. I just forgot to adjust the heat. Needless to say the 90 degree wash destroyed them. But I didn't notice 'til the Monday Morning when I had teh blighters on at work.


It should be a good wedding. It's at a place in the sticks about 10 miles east of Southampton.

I'm looking forward to it.

Best man said...

Anyone who heckles gets a fat lip!
I've done it once before, i've seen Kev, Bryn and Dan do it and i have no problem with doing it again. See you all 2moro.

Emerson Marks said...

All the best, Jay Schwodler. See you tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

good luck Jaysus, im rooting for you!

Emerson Marks said...

Why doesn't anyone say 'vintage-bintage' anymore? Why doesn't anyone call girls bints anymore?

Ponita in Real Life said...

What the hell is a bint?

Sorry, we peons over here in the Colonies have lost a lot of the Queen's English...

Enquiring minds want to know...

Emerson Marks said...

In all honesty, I think bint is a bit derogatory. It's another word for woman, although I've always used in a fun 70's TV sense, and not in a sexist way.

Scarlet-Blue said...

'Bint' is one of my favourite derogatory words. Liking 'Vintage Bintage' as well!
How's the head today?
Would you like me to show you the cheerleading routine? It's very loud and screechy.
Sx

savannah said...

have you finished reading the book you started at christmas, sugar? ;) and what happened at the wedding?? xoxox

Emerson Marks said...

Scarlet - slept it off. Although I do frecall one very surreal incident when the groom, chinese monkey allan, somewhat worse from the drink started going on about Burridge, and sstarted goin on about Scarlet Johnason, meaning yourself. Cheerleading? Yes, go on.

Savannah - No I bloody haven't. I'm a disgrace aren't I. I might slaughtered for saying this, but Ernest Hemingway, I'll give him his dues, but he had no sense of humour.

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