Saturday, 25 July 2009

Greg Baker's secret to scoring penalties

(Above: Greg Baker, kissing Prince Charles' arse)

The only place more terrifying than Greg Baker's bedroom is Greg Baker's kitchen. Inside the cupboards, dirty plates are hidden like war crimes. The mouldy food that grows from them has been there long enough to answer back in French.

When I heard Jay Schwodler was moving in with Greg, in the flat next door to me, I knew I had to act quickly to protect myself from them. I'd lived with Jay before. To say his attitude towards cleaning was liberal back then is a bit like saying that Timothy O'Leary wasn't too uptight when it came to dropping LSD.

I could see Jay knocking my door through the spy hole. He wanted me to look at what he'd done to Greg's flat. When I saw I had to sit down. Two years of living with a woman has had a strange affect on Jay. He's been exposed to a world of bleach, stain devil, order and self respect. I'm not sure if it suits him. He'd cleaned Greg's kitchen and bathroom. I never knew his toilet bowl was white.

But what was that on the coffee table in the lounge? A box of Marlboro? I've never seen either of them take so much as single puff on a cigarette. And what was this? A slice of the lid neatly torn away. “For roach no doubt,” I said to Jay, who had no idea what I was talking about. Before I noticed on closer inspection that it revealed a packet of king size silver Rizla.

Suddenly it all began to make sense. Greg had always made out that the reason he never misses penalties was due to his German ancestry. Then there's his love of crisps and snacks. The fact his flat was a pig sty if girls weren't due to visit, not to mention how scatty he can be. Who else scrapes the side of their Kia company car on the wall of the car park.

I could take it that he never invited me over when he had girls round, but this? I thought I knew Greg. I felt so let down. So disgusted that he would use drugs and not invite me around to share them.


savannah said...

he keeps his rolling papers and tobacco in a marlboro box? how strange, she said ever so innocently! ;~D xoxo

Leah said...

"dirty plates hidden like war crimes," this is truly a fine piece you've got here. I like your evidence photo.

Emerson Marks said...

I quizzed Greg Baker today about this, Savannah and Leah.

He says they belong to his old flat mate. I have no reason not to believe him

chinesemonkeyallan said...

Testing, testing. Yes, this finally seems to work.

Jimmy Bastard said...

I'd have thought that meeting one of the Windsors would have been a bigger shame.

Don't drive through any tunnels.

Gorilla Bananas said...

So why doesn't he miss penalties then? Because he takes drugs or because he's met Prince Charles? The post is a riddle inside and enigma.

Scarlet-Blue said...


Emerson Marks said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Emerson Marks said...

Jimmy - you provocative old swine.

Gorilla - I don't know the answer.
I wish I did. Greg Baker is a riddle wrapped inside an enigma.

KAZ said...

From the look on his face I think someone is kissing Greg's arse.
I'm sure he'll share now the woman isn't around.

Madame DeFarge said...

Drugs remain a complete mystery to me. For which the rest of the world may be grateful given what I'm like when intoxicated.

Lulu LaBonne said...

Judging by your photo, Greg did try to make amends by giving you some of his drugs.

I bet Jay used Cillit Bang.

Emerson Marks said...

Hello Lulu and Madame.

The contraband does not belong to Greg Baker. I've since found out it's property of his former lodger - end of!

I can't be sure what cleaning product Jay used. Next time I'm routing through Greg's cupboards I'll be sure to check.

Kaz - yes, Greg does look animated meeting Prince Charles doesn't he. The boy's got far too much blooming gel on his hair.Looks like he's off to a disco or something.

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