Burridge 1-3 Netley Central

Sid Hewitt lost no sleep over Buridge's loss to Netley. The first game he'd been to in a fortnight couldn't keep him awake. When Netley scored their third goal he was busy catching zeds. Burridge haven't won for three weeks. That's seven days before Sid was born.

(pictured) Lee Fielder puts hands on head after Bryn Schwodler goes close to scoring.

He was wheeled from the car park in a four wheeled convertible buggy by his mum Donna to watch his dad Kristian captain Burridge. It turned out to be a good day for sleeping. Sam Schwodler was on the touchline wearing zipped up black Adidas and a thinly veiled admiration for Liam Gallagher.

Sam joined a huddle of substitutes and spectators getting their first look at Sid, and asked Donna how he was sleeping at nights. Sam was told by the huddle that they'd done that one already. Taking a moment to think Sam asked how Sid's poo was. It was a welcome distraction to Netley's two goal first half lead, which led Burridge centre back Kev Willsher into interrogating his team mates from his position on the edge of the penalty area.

Burridge got Kev's message loud and clear. Netley got theirs by text on Friday afternoon from Burridge's club secretary. It read: we're in blue. Netley's secretary forwarded it to their manager. He neglected to mention that 'we' was actually 'they,' so Netley arrived with kit the same colour blue as Burridge. In order to make a distinction between the two team's colours, Netley wore yellow training bibs over their shirts.

The referee had the head of a freshly dug up turnip. Netley swore at it when they felt things didn't go their way. This occurred continually. It didn't impress Kristian Hewitt. He didn't think he'd ever heard so much swearing at a referee. Paul Dyke agreed. At half time he stood with his arms folded tightly across his chest, unsure why the referee chose not to punish Netley for calling him a cheat.

Richie Allan was replaced in the second half by Lee Fielder, whose goal briefly reduced the arrears to a single goal. Netley scored their third, which sealed the game, shortly afterwards. Later, in the Bugle Inn, Bryn Schwodler sat on a bar stool, swirling the remains of lager around his pint glass asking me not to mention how the ball sneaked through his legs when six yards away from goal. I said I wouldn't.

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Burridge 6-0 Southampton BTC

Date: Saturday 20th February
Venue: Meadowside Leisure Centre, Whiteley

The referee had a face that asked serious questions on just how far the directors for the Werther's Original commercials are casting their nets. If Saturday afternoon at Meadowside is anything to go by it appears that the playing fields of Southampton remain very much uncharted waters. Undermined only by a stiff legged gait, the referee gave anyone watching the strong impression he was dealing with a loose kernel in his underpants. While his name remains a mystery, on the evidence presented here it's fair to assume it's something like Tommy Peephamton. Or Old Tom to his friends.

BTC made the most out of their day out to Whiteley. On the way they visited Burridge recreation ground, Allotment Road in Sarisbury Green and most of the A3051. Seeing as the rest of their afternoon was spent in their own half of the pitch they didn't get the chance to see Burridge's penalty area. There were ten minutes before kick off when BTC's five car strong convoy arrived at Meadowside car park. Their secretary hadn't called them to let them know that the game had been switched to Whiteley.

It was to BTC's eternal credit that they didn't let the referee's age become an obstacle. Throughout the game they treated him just like they would any other referee. So it was to Old Tom's great advantage that he had the hearing capacity of a tube of Smarties. Within fifteen minutes of kick off BTC decided that Burridge linesman Greg Baker was a cheat. They broke the news to him from a distance more appropriate for those engaging in non-consensual frottage. Greg managed to restrain himself, despite having a handful of linesman's flag, one with the old fashioned wooden handles, but Greg went to university and likes panini instead of sandwiches, so clocking blokes around the head with pieces of wood isn't really is his thing unless he can spend several years studying it that's followed with a written examination.

During the interlude BTC's number 14 had a word in Burridge centre forward Ben Rowe's ear. Rowe had been trying to defuse the situation with a few jokes which number 14 took exception to. 'Just you wait,' he told Rowe. For what he never found out. Perhaps when BTC get to grips with the telephone they might be good enough to let him know.

Scorers:

1-0 Lee Fielder
2-0 Mark Sanderson
3-0 Bryn Schwodler
4-0 Sam Schwodler
5-0 Greg Baker (pen)
6-0 Marc Judd

Burridge lined up in a 4-4-2 formation


GK:Paul Andrews
RB:Jay Schwodler (Greg Baker)
CB:Kristian Hewitt
CB:Kev Willsher
LB:Paul Dyke
RM:Sam Schwodler
CM:Mark Sanderson
CM:Mark Reeves
LM:Bryn Schwodler
CF:Ben Rowe (Rich Allan)
CF:Lee Fielder (Marc Judd)

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Sholing Sports 3-2 Burridge AFC

Burridge (in red) and Sholing search for the ball?

Short shortage

A man with white hair about his temples stood watching the game. After several minutes he asked the man next to him if what they were watching was junior football. When he was told that it was senior football he raised his eyebrows and decided to leave. Burridge were wearing their red away kit. There's never enough shorts to go around. Justin Newman brought along his own pair. They're the same ones he wears down the swimming baths. Their snug but perishable inner lining was still very much intact.

Burridge colossus Kev Willsher sat in the away dressing room taping his broken toes together. The thin walls couldn't deny Dizzee Rascal's MC-ing from Sholing's ghetto blaster. Kev plunged his fist deep into the foot of one of his long red football socks. He left it there for a moment. Those waiting for him to begin an impromptu puppet show with the sock mouse were left disappointed. The game was tied 2-2 after 20 minutes. Bryn Schwodler and Lee Fielder put Burridge 1-0 and 2-1 ahead. Then Sam Hewitt headed the ball away with his hand. Sholing scored the penalty. Sam was left to roam the the rest of the first half with the same dead eyed expression that haunted Arthur Fowler when he got sent down to Smithy's nick.

The Second half

Burridge had kick-off. Lee Fielder legged it down the left waiting for Justin Newman's pass. Justin decided it was better all round if he banged if off for a throw in deep into Sholing's half of the pitch. Greg Baker asked if he'd piled on big in a spread bet on first throw in of the second half.

Sholing had a few on the sidelines. One was assisted by a single crutch. He didn't like the look of Sam Schwodler's face. 'Lee Fucking Bowyer,' he said. 'That's who he looks like.' Ryan Jones made several long walks behind his goal to retrieve the ball. On one a small boy, no more than seven, who was strongly encouraged by his father, tried to kick Jonesy around the waist. The boy's Dad found it hilarious. This served as a swift reminder that we weren't very far from Weston. Jonesy was left to make a much shorter but painful walk to the back of his net when Sholing scored their third goal.

Burridge lined up in a 3-4-3 formation

GK:Ryan Jones
DF:Kristian Hewitt(c)
DF:Kev Willsher
DF:Sam Hewitt
RM:Jay Schwodler (Greg Baker)
CM:Mark Reeves
CM:Justin Newman (Marc Judd)
LM:Mark Sanderson
CF:Lee Fielder (Rich Allan)
CF:Bryn Schwodler
CF:Sam Schwodler


Above: Justin Newman and Kristian Hewitt prepare for a free kick.

Next Saturday Burridge face against their arch bogey side Durley. At Durley. Kick off could be as early as 9:30am so we can all watch the Saints game.

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Burridge 1-3 Northend

Date: Saturday 3rd October
Venue: Botley Road, Burridge
Competition: Hampshire Cup

Previous meeting: 0-1 win for Northend during a mid-weeker. They had a decent winger who'd give Lee Fielder a run for his money hogging the mirror. He's not playing today.


Kristian Hewitt aggravated his buttocks with a chainsaw. The accident happened last week while cutting down trees at
East Horton Gold Club, where he has spent the last ten of his thirty years keeping greens. The trees were mostly birch and holly. Again and again Hewitt guided the blade through their scaly trunks, whose final contribution was to provide suitable enough resistance to both Hewitt's lower back and buttocks to stop him captaining Burridge in Saturday's Hampshire cup tie with Northend. They take their name from the surname of a man called Barry from Middlesbrough, who used to run the Pensioner's Arms on Carlton Place, before it managed to become an even less appealing place for a pint. He doesn't run that pub any more, nor does he have any affiliation with this team, but still the name remains the same.

During the first half Northend's number six demonstrates an unflinching obedience to the negative stereotype of a closely shaven head by offering his open hand into Justin Newman's face too many times to be considered a coincidence. His total lack of self awareness was exposed when Justin Newman decided to return the favour during a corner kick. The reaction towards Justin Newman is incredulity filtered through poor use of grammar. The referee chose not to pull him up on this, which is a missed opportunity, but he had his hands tied trying to police the laws of the game, large chunks of which were filled with the noise of earnest shouting, that outside the context of a football match are similar in tone to Ian Beale if he'd caught you with your hand in the 'til.

Burridge had played well, but found themselves losing one-nil. Ryan Jones saves a penalty just before half-time and suddenly it becomes clear that Ben Rowe has plainly sexed up his look. Rather than relying on anything as extravagant as gym membership, he's clipped the dark hair a grade shorter, lost a pound or two, and allowed the whiskers on his sallow cheeks to grow the same length as his hair. Later, in the bar, he gains my attention with his 'I've got moody Yves Saint Lauren gear in the boot of my motor' eyes. They glimmer with the possibility that a simple nod of my head will set the motion in place for him to make the pre-arranged kill of my Swiss business partner. His Kent accent only authenticates this fantasy.

During the second half Northend score a quick couple of goals that mean curtains for Burridge. Lee Fielder makes a cameo appearances and scores, then Marc Judd strokes a free-kick onto underside of bar, but the damage has been done. Later at home while chopping carrots I was struck by the powerful urge to conduct a Wikipedia search of
Gary Breen. I remembered that his transfer to Inter Milan in 2002 fell through after he failed a medical. These days he plays for Barnet, such are the fine shades of here and there that colour our lives.


Picture Profile

This week it's Rich Allan, which you can see by clicking here. You may notice that they've called him Rick in the title, which suggests that there is a relationship in place between the Times and Rich, or Rick. Next week it's Paul Andrews.


This week's Burridge line-up by Pete Lyons was:

4-4-2 formation:

Goalie: Ryan Jones
Right-back: Sammy Hewitt
Centre-back: Kev Willsher (Sam Schwodler)
Centre-back: Paul Dyke
Left-back: Mark Emerson Sanderson
Right mid: Jay Schwodler
Centre mid: Rich Allan
Centre mid: Justin Newman
Left mid: Marc Judd (Greg Baker)
Forward: Ben Rowe
Forward: Bryn Schwodler (Lee Fielder)

Sub: Mark Reeves