Hiltingbury 2-2 Burridge

Sam Schwodler swears to let his goals do the talking

Sam Schwodler swears at referees at a volume others would hesitate to reach even if their scrotum was caught in the zip of their flies. The referee, a large man, whose black jersey never stretched as far down as the waist band of his shorts, would've been entitled to send Sam off in the first half, when he was hit from ten paces with a combination of four letter words. When the referee reached into his top pocket there seemed more chance of him pulling out a scotch egg than a yellow card, but he showed leniency by only cautioning Schwodler.

Click on pic to enlarge: Sam Schwodler (second from right in blue) goes sniffing for a goal.

Several Hiltingbury players experimented with saying the 'c' word during the course of the game. Once again, their middle class roots were betrayed by their superior elocution. Those who heard their nippy left winger with the blond highlights say it were struck by powerful realisation that he was glad to have stuck with the economics A level revision, because the resulting B grade earnt him a place at Keele University. Meanwhile, the same word from Sam Schwodler's lips catapults the listener into a deleted scene from Football Factory. When it came to swearing there was only ever going to be one winner, which made it all the more puzzling that Hiltingbury didn't stick to the quick passing game that put them two goals in front.

Jay Schwodler spent the afternoon making Burridge goalie Ryan Jones nervous. He miss hit close range shots at his own goal on three separate occasions. It was like watching Michael Owen with concussion. Kristian Hewitt showed Jay how it's done by scoring Hiltingbury's second goal. Hiltingbury pushed forward for a third. Burridge midfielder Justin Newman had been retreating into defensive positions like a lost tourist, showing much better knowledge of the attacking third of the pitch when he threaded the ball through the Hiltingbury defence to Sam Schwodler on the inside right channel, who opened up his body like a line dancer to create a shooting angle into the bottom corner, which he found with a low shot.

Loaded on the adrenalin that a goal brings, Burridge began stoning Hiltingbury's penalty area with the ball. Hiltingbury stood firm for three successive corner kicks. The forth, from Justin Newman's right foot, was volleyed towards goal by Sam Schwodler. A Hiltingbury defender scrambling to his left to stop the ball from crossing the goal line lost his footing in the mud. The ball was instead stopped by the net. Schwodler broke free from a tangle of muddy arms and ran toward the nine Burridge supporters on the touchline swearing his head off.

Burridge played in a 3-4-3 formation:

GK:Ryan Jones
DF:Jay Schwodler
DF:Kev Willsher
DF:Paul Dyke (Marc Judd)
RM:Sam Hewitt
CM:Justin Newman
CM:Mark Sanderson
LM:Kristian Hewitt (Paul Andrews)
CF:Ben Rowe (Lee Fielder)
CF:Bryn Schwodler
CF:Sam Schwodler

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AFC Hiltingbury 4-1 Burridge

Burridge played Hiltingbury knowing they will have a new manager next season. Prior to the game Pete Lyons told his players that he would not be continuing for a fifth year. Some players reacted by studying the dressing room floor. Others smeared Ralgex into their legs. None of them said a word. Once Pete had named his starting eleven the players' silence was broken by words of encouragement as they went outside into the drizzle.

When Sam Schwodler headed in Kristian Hewitt's ring wing cross Burridge looked on course to put an end to successive defeats. It was as good as their afternoon got. I'd been picked to play in holding midfield, a position known as the water carrier. All around me players were going thirsty. By half time Hiltingbury were winning 3-1. During the second their goalkeeper was not disturbed.

Losing in an affluent suburb of town to a younger side who pronounced both letter t's in the word bottle was hard for Burridge to take. They took their frustration out at the referee. He retaliated by showing three yellow cards. All were for dissent. Hiltingbury's celebrations for their fourth goal were reserved to handshakes. On evidence of Burridge's performance they may have expected to score more goals.

Burridge lined up in a 4-4-2 formation:

GK:Paul Andrews
RB:Sam Hewitt
CB:Ben Hutton
CB:Kev Willsher
LB:Paul Dyke
RM:Kristian Hewitt
CM:Justin Newman (Bryn Schwodler)
CM:Mark Sanderson
LM:Marc Judd (Jay Schwodler)
CF:Ben Rowe
CF:Sam Schwodler (Lee Fielder)

Booked:

Paul Dyke
Ben Hutton
Kristian Hewitt

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Burridge 1-3 Netley Central

Sid Hewitt lost no sleep over Buridge's loss to Netley. The first game he'd been to in a fortnight couldn't keep him awake. When Netley scored their third goal he was busy catching zeds. Burridge haven't won for three weeks. That's seven days before Sid was born.

(pictured) Lee Fielder puts hands on head after Bryn Schwodler goes close to scoring.

He was wheeled from the car park in a four wheeled convertible buggy by his mum Donna to watch his dad Kristian captain Burridge. It turned out to be a good day for sleeping. Sam Schwodler was on the touchline wearing zipped up black Adidas and a thinly veiled admiration for Liam Gallagher.

Sam joined a huddle of substitutes and spectators getting their first look at Sid, and asked Donna how he was sleeping at nights. Sam was told by the huddle that they'd done that one already. Taking a moment to think Sam asked how Sid's poo was. It was a welcome distraction to Netley's two goal first half lead, which led Burridge centre back Kev Willsher into interrogating his team mates from his position on the edge of the penalty area.

Burridge got Kev's message loud and clear. Netley got theirs by text on Friday afternoon from Burridge's club secretary. It read: we're in blue. Netley's secretary forwarded it to their manager. He neglected to mention that 'we' was actually 'they,' so Netley arrived with kit the same colour blue as Burridge. In order to make a distinction between the two team's colours, Netley wore yellow training bibs over their shirts.

The referee had the head of a freshly dug up turnip. Netley swore at it when they felt things didn't go their way. This occurred continually. It didn't impress Kristian Hewitt. He didn't think he'd ever heard so much swearing at a referee. Paul Dyke agreed. At half time he stood with his arms folded tightly across his chest, unsure why the referee chose not to punish Netley for calling him a cheat.

Richie Allan was replaced in the second half by Lee Fielder, whose goal briefly reduced the arrears to a single goal. Netley scored their third, which sealed the game, shortly afterwards. Later, in the Bugle Inn, Bryn Schwodler sat on a bar stool, swirling the remains of lager around his pint glass asking me not to mention how the ball sneaked through his legs when six yards away from goal. I said I wouldn't.

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Burridge 0-6 London Airways

On Saturday 6th March Burridge played hosts to Southampton Senior League leaders London Airways at Meadowside Leisure Centre, Whiteley.

Pictured above: Greg Baker's newly acquired football boots.

Before we got started

Greg Baker left the changing room hungry. He returned with brand new football boots and an empty wallet. Sandwiches satisfied his hunger. The best part of seventy quid paid for size ten Adidas from the adjacent shopping village.

They replaced his Puma Kings, that after close inspection were split beneath several layers of caked mud. The new Adidas had fold over tongues. They wagged like police informants. Greg gagged them with tightly bound electrical tape.

Referee's speech

“First thing's first, gents,” said the referee, pointing toward the nearby Whiteley housing estate. “Is that I don't want to hear any swearing.” Rarely has idealism been so misplaced. The referee would have had better luck trying to wean Amy Winehouse off heroin with a diet of Sugar Puffs.

The sound of angry men swearing over a game of football might have come as welcome relief to residents who have to rely on the Parsons Collar for a drink, a pub that has all the life of a Staples stationary outlet, but the referee was having none of it.

If players got worked up he didn't want the air coloured with language any stronger than sugar lumps. This was bad news for Sam Schwodler if he had any serious plans to speak over the course of the afternoon.

Unimpressed

Bryn Schwodler wasn't blown away with London Airways' previous form. He didn't think they'd had any outstanding results. They'd lost one game all season. Those in earshot could only sympathise with his son Jude, who may get a shock when he's old enough to bring home a school report.

The game was without goals after 60 minutes. After 90 there had been six. Unfortunately, none of them were scored by Burridge. It was all too much for Burridge centre back Paul Dyke. He stuck to the referee's request of using the words sugar lumps, directly after he demonstrated how loudly he could shout fuck.

Burridge played in a 4-4-2 formation:

GK: Ryan Jones
RB: Sam Hewitt
CB: Kristian Hewitt (c )
CB: Paul Dyke
LB: Marc Judd
RM: Greg Baker
CM: Mark Sanderson (Mark Reeves)
CM: Rich Allan
LM: Bryn Schwodler
CF: Sam Schwodler
CF: Ben Rowe

Booked:

Paul Dyke for dissent
Marc Judd for dissent

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Balls to training


The two victims of last night's Burridge training session have been named as testicles, both belonging to Burridge manager Pete Lyons (pictured above). They were believed to have been struck in an unprovoked attack by a leather football as they hung in the shorts of Pete Lyons as he kept goal during a six-a-side match. Onlookers were in shock. 'I just didn't see it coming,' said an unnamed source who witnessed the accident. 'Pete hadn't saved a thing all night.' Others were quick to highlight just how unfortunate Pete's testicles were. 'Before that moment the football had preferred to go anywhere but near the goal.' Pete's testicles have yet to comment.

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