Burridge 6-0 Southampton BTC

Date: Saturday 20th February
Venue: Meadowside Leisure Centre, Whiteley

The referee had a face that asked serious questions on just how far the directors for the Werther's Original commercials are casting their nets. If Saturday afternoon at Meadowside is anything to go by it appears that the playing fields of Southampton remain very much uncharted waters. Undermined only by a stiff legged gait, the referee gave anyone watching the strong impression he was dealing with a loose kernel in his underpants. While his name remains a mystery, on the evidence presented here it's fair to assume it's something like Tommy Peephamton. Or Old Tom to his friends.

BTC made the most out of their day out to Whiteley. On the way they visited Burridge recreation ground, Allotment Road in Sarisbury Green and most of the A3051. Seeing as the rest of their afternoon was spent in their own half of the pitch they didn't get the chance to see Burridge's penalty area. There were ten minutes before kick off when BTC's five car strong convoy arrived at Meadowside car park. Their secretary hadn't called them to let them know that the game had been switched to Whiteley.

It was to BTC's eternal credit that they didn't let the referee's age become an obstacle. Throughout the game they treated him just like they would any other referee. So it was to Old Tom's great advantage that he had the hearing capacity of a tube of Smarties. Within fifteen minutes of kick off BTC decided that Burridge linesman Greg Baker was a cheat. They broke the news to him from a distance more appropriate for those engaging in non-consensual frottage. Greg managed to restrain himself, despite having a handful of linesman's flag, one with the old fashioned wooden handles, but Greg went to university and likes panini instead of sandwiches, so clocking blokes around the head with pieces of wood isn't really is his thing unless he can spend several years studying it that's followed with a written examination.

During the interlude BTC's number 14 had a word in Burridge centre forward Ben Rowe's ear. Rowe had been trying to defuse the situation with a few jokes which number 14 took exception to. 'Just you wait,' he told Rowe. For what he never found out. Perhaps when BTC get to grips with the telephone they might be good enough to let him know.

Scorers:

1-0 Lee Fielder
2-0 Mark Sanderson
3-0 Bryn Schwodler
4-0 Sam Schwodler
5-0 Greg Baker (pen)
6-0 Marc Judd

Burridge lined up in a 4-4-2 formation


GK:Paul Andrews
RB:Jay Schwodler (Greg Baker)
CB:Kristian Hewitt
CB:Kev Willsher
LB:Paul Dyke
RM:Sam Schwodler
CM:Mark Sanderson
CM:Mark Reeves
LM:Bryn Schwodler
CF:Ben Rowe (Rich Allan)
CF:Lee Fielder (Marc Judd)

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Durley 1-4 Burridge

Saturday 13th February
Kytes Lane, Durley

This match was being watched by a man with a clipboard whose job was to assess the referee's performance, jotting down any notes when he deemed that the referee had misjudged a situation. As a result, his right hand had a somewhat busier afternoon than Burridge goalkeeper Ryan Jones.

The referee - think Ray Stubbs with a charisma bypass - seemed to have learnt everything he knew about people management by studying the content of a letter from the Inland Revenue. His decision to book Bryn Schwodler, who had been given a right seeing to from Durley's number five, was less plausible than the plot of Teen Wolf Too*.

Kristian Hewitt struggled to come to terms with it. It, being the referee's reasoning behind showing Bryn a yellow card, not the 1987 film that doesn't star Michael J Fox. With the referee unable to give Hewitt a satisfactory explanation he decided to show him a yellow card instead.

From this moment on Burridge and this referee were never going to get on. Nor were Burridge and Durley for that matter. Both teams displayed a free flowing style that was built mainly on swearing. Lesser teams would be content with trotting out vulgarities like shit as nouns, but in this contest they were used as verbs and sometimes even adjectives.

Kev Willsher and Marc Judd were the third and forth players to be shown yellow cards. This all before Rich Allan was sent off. Trying to recreate an earlier unseen incident, whereupon Durley had been successfully blurring the boundaries between the football and Paul Dyke's head, he was given a straight red card, for what one can only assume was for invading the referee's personal space. Unfortunately, air head-buts still don't translate very well in polite society.

By this stage Burridge were already winning the game 4-1. Two first half goals from Ben Rowe and one from Bryn Schwodler were added to by a goal early in the second half by Durley's number five.

It came from a back pass. It was difficult to gage what irritated the Durley number five more, scoring past his own goalkeeper from the kind of angle that'd have Pythagoras telling you to stick your hypotenuse up your arse, or Burridge centre back Paul Dyke's making sure everyone within a mile radius knew how much he enjoyed it. Either way he was very pissed off.

Durley did score a consolation goal, but their revival was not sufficient to stop Burridge getting their first win at Kytes Lane.

Burridge lined up in a 4-4-2 formation

GK:Ryan Jones
LB:Paul Dyke
CB:Kev Willsher
CB:Kristian Hewitt
RB:Sam Hewitt (Jay Schwodler)
LM:Marc Judd
CM:Mark Sanderson
CM:Justin Newman (Mark Reeves)
RM:Bryn Schwodler
CF:Rich Allan
CF:Ben Rowe (Paul Andrews)

*That was not a typo. Teen Wolf Too, is actually 'too' as opposed to two and it's really not worth your time.

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Have we learnt the lessons of Durley?


Above: Burridge against Durley at Kytes Lane. Never had a good look at Greg Baker's trombone face? You're in a minority. Click on pic to see what you've been missing.


This Saturday Burridge visit Kytes Lane to play Durley Reserves.

Ask any Burridge player about games against Durley and they'll say they always beat us. That's not strictly true. They've beaten Burridge three times out of four in the last two years. The question you have to ask yourself is should you really fear a team who concede a goal from a header by Burridge midfielder Justin Newman? If the answer is yes then I think it's safe to say that Logger's Leap at Thorpe Park isn't for you.

Bad things do tend to happen whenever Burridge go to play Durley at Kytes Lane. Greg Baker gives away penalties. Greg Baker gets booked for dissent. Although the latter is not something exclusive to games against Durley. Club manager Pete Lyons was in such a bad way after one defeat to Durley he began playing air-sax to Kenny Gee records on the jukebox at the Bugle. Thankfully that is something exclusive to a game with Durley.

Some point out that Durley are an older team and therefore should be beaten, mainly because they can't run around much. This is a case of the pot calling the kettle black. Take out our 11 year old goalkeeper Ryan Jones and 20 year old right-back Sam Hewitt and the next youngest players are Ben Rowe and Ben Hutton, who are at the ripe age of 26.

Either way, come Saturday Burridge will have the opportunity to get their first win at Kytes Lane. What's it going to be? Anyone who says they know the answer is clearly lying.


Previous form between Burridge and Durley Reserves

12/01/08 Durley 2-1 Burridge
29/03/08 Burridge 4-1 Durley
07/03/09 Durley 2-1 Burridge
25/04/09 Burridge 0-2 Durley

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Sholing Sports 3-2 Burridge AFC

Burridge (in red) and Sholing search for the ball?

Short shortage

A man with white hair about his temples stood watching the game. After several minutes he asked the man next to him if what they were watching was junior football. When he was told that it was senior football he raised his eyebrows and decided to leave. Burridge were wearing their red away kit. There's never enough shorts to go around. Justin Newman brought along his own pair. They're the same ones he wears down the swimming baths. Their snug but perishable inner lining was still very much intact.

Burridge colossus Kev Willsher sat in the away dressing room taping his broken toes together. The thin walls couldn't deny Dizzee Rascal's MC-ing from Sholing's ghetto blaster. Kev plunged his fist deep into the foot of one of his long red football socks. He left it there for a moment. Those waiting for him to begin an impromptu puppet show with the sock mouse were left disappointed. The game was tied 2-2 after 20 minutes. Bryn Schwodler and Lee Fielder put Burridge 1-0 and 2-1 ahead. Then Sam Hewitt headed the ball away with his hand. Sholing scored the penalty. Sam was left to roam the the rest of the first half with the same dead eyed expression that haunted Arthur Fowler when he got sent down to Smithy's nick.

The Second half

Burridge had kick-off. Lee Fielder legged it down the left waiting for Justin Newman's pass. Justin decided it was better all round if he banged if off for a throw in deep into Sholing's half of the pitch. Greg Baker asked if he'd piled on big in a spread bet on first throw in of the second half.

Sholing had a few on the sidelines. One was assisted by a single crutch. He didn't like the look of Sam Schwodler's face. 'Lee Fucking Bowyer,' he said. 'That's who he looks like.' Ryan Jones made several long walks behind his goal to retrieve the ball. On one a small boy, no more than seven, who was strongly encouraged by his father, tried to kick Jonesy around the waist. The boy's Dad found it hilarious. This served as a swift reminder that we weren't very far from Weston. Jonesy was left to make a much shorter but painful walk to the back of his net when Sholing scored their third goal.

Burridge lined up in a 3-4-3 formation

GK:Ryan Jones
DF:Kristian Hewitt(c)
DF:Kev Willsher
DF:Sam Hewitt
RM:Jay Schwodler (Greg Baker)
CM:Mark Reeves
CM:Justin Newman (Marc Judd)
LM:Mark Sanderson
CF:Lee Fielder (Rich Allan)
CF:Bryn Schwodler
CF:Sam Schwodler


Above: Justin Newman and Kristian Hewitt prepare for a free kick.

Next Saturday Burridge face against their arch bogey side Durley. At Durley. Kick off could be as early as 9:30am so we can all watch the Saints game.

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